let's get physical

Had a physical this week. Nearly a year since my last one which was for our adoption home study.

Bad news.

Bad cholesterol.

Bad blood sugar.

Hypothyroid.

Vitamin D deficiency.

Bad.
Bad.
Bad.

So, I'm getting a Rx for Vitamin D. Doc says what you get OTC isn't enough to make a difference so I need an Rx.

She also wants to put me on Lipitor (both of my parents are on cholesterol lowering meds). But. But, I ask, what happens if I get pregnant and I'm taking Lipitor? Stop taking it immediately? No. Not allowed to take it if I think I may get pregnant.

So I'm 44. My last pregnancy was 12.20.2006, with my cornual pregnancy. What do I do. Keep hoping for a miracle? Take Lipitor and give up?

I'm going to Weight Watchers, and walking 2 miles a day in under 35 minutes.

Why is my body SO against me?

Doc says it's genetic. You can't pick your family.

Will I EVER get pregnant again?

I do have great blood pressure. Odd.

Can I get a new body? trade this one in?

Thanks, I just needed to vent and I knew you'd understand.

Damn you PCOS.

P.S. AND I have to have surgery on my heel, to get rid of bone spurs that are causing plantar fasciitis. Leave without pay. Kick me while I'm down. . .


Yes, a very bad day. Hopefully this too shall pass. . . s o o n

September 17, 2009

today I became a survivor of rape, not a victim.
today I became a survivor of infertility, not a victim.

it was just a matter of changing my mind. who knew.

today is a wonderful day.

you don't wanna hear it

I'm having a very bad time.

Life is so not fair.

I am overwhelmed.

Twenty-two years ago next month, I was raped and beaten. This is a trauma and tragedy that should never happen to a human being. It is something I've lived with for 22 years. I told my husband before we got married because I thought he might not want me. But he did. Last month we celebrated 13 years of marriage.

For ten of those 13 years, we've been trying to have a baby, naturally, with infertility treatment and now through adoption. I have had three miscarriages. Infertility and miscarriages are more trauma and tragedy that no one human being should have to endure.

Am I wrong to think I've had my share?

A dear friend recently told me bad things happen to good people. It's as simple as that.

Is it?

I cannot get past either trauma. I am in counseling for both. I have good days and bad.

I feel like I'm being punished. I know, I know, I'm not, but that how it FEELS. And punished by who anyway.

Why am I here?

Isn't having a child part of the circle of life? My circle is broken. You are not supposed to be 44 and childless!

This is my life, day in and day out. Where is my child, why me.

I've told my husband over and over he can leave me, because this is not the life he wanted, not what he signed up for. He's wanted children since we got married. His love for his niece is one of the things that attracted me to him. Oh the irony.

I'm broken, in so many ways. I'm broken hearted.

I wait. I just wait. That's all I do. It's no life for anyone.

I've tried to live a good life and contribute. What did I do to deserve this life? When is it gonna be my turn? Is it all about luck?

How do I turn the corner? how do I overcome what has happened to me?

I wake up and wonder where is my child.
I drive to work and wonder where is my child.
I work and wonder where is my child.
I drive home and wonder where is my child.
I take a shower and wonder where is my child.
I cook dinner and wonder where is my child.
I pay bills and wonder where is my child.
I brush my teeth and wonder where is my child.
I fall asleep wondering where is my child.

Who am I if not someone's mom. It's just not natural.

Sometimes I wonder how I will go on.

44 and without child

The natural progression of things is to get married and have kids. Usually one is in their 20s or 30s when this happens.

In doing so, one's focus turns from one's self to one's child or children.

I am 44, and still without child.

My focus should have turned from myself to my child many years ago. I'm not normal. I have nothing to focus on but my self and my husband and our marriage and the fact that we are without child. This is not normal at 44. I should have been focusing on my child for the past 10 years or so. I've gone way past the sell-by date. I've just figured this out. And it explains a lot of things about me. And it's forced me to wonder what will motherhood be like for me, should I ever be blessed with a child.

My grandma was this age when I was born.

How will we save for retirement when our child is going to college when we are 60-something. Will I EVER retire? And the longer this goes on, my life without child, the more I want to be a stay at home mom, but infertility treatment (that DIDN'T even work) will prevent that. We took out a second on the house to pay for non-insured, unsuccessful infertility treatment and will be paying for that for years to come. An additional car payment with nothing to show for it.

We still live like college students, because every extra penny has gone into TRYING to have a family. We've skipped years of holidays to try to have a family. I'm starting to realize all the things we've missed while waiting to have a family.

And what am I expecting - when I do have a child and a family. I do not expect it to be perfect and to be visited by the bluebird of happiness on a daily basis. I'm pretty sure our child won't be healthy, at this point, that just seems like too much to ask for. So I've been preparing myself for this child, the child that is not perfect, not that any are, maybe I should say the child that is not healthy? 10 fingers, 10 toes. What every pregnant mom dreams of. How come I feel like I'm not allowed to dream of that too?

Again, I feel like I'm being punished. But I have no idea what I did wrong. Lucinda Bassett would say this is "magical thinking." Usually people use magical thinking to think of good things happening to good people because they are good. But I just keep asking what I did wrong, where did I make the wrong turn. How did I get here, 44 and without child.

We started TTC when I was 34, 10 years ago. Never in a million years did I imagine I'd end up here, 44 and without child.

No one should end up 44 and without child.

I'm beyond ready for my focus to change from me to my child. And that worries me too. Will my child be a spoiled rotten brat?!?!? Oh I hope not. I just want to raise a good little person who will contribute to the greater good. That is what I have tried to do, all these years, I've tried to contribute to the greater good. So why this punishment. Why why why.

Why why why, 44 and without child.

5 or 10

I feel like we've been waiting F O R E V E R to adopt. I count from the day we decided to adopt last July.

Our social worker says we can only count from the date our home study was finalized because prior to that we were not eligible to adopt. phooey!

Not to mention the 8 plus years before that when we were TTC.

It just has been F O R E V E R and I'm SO ready to be a mom. WHERE IS MY CHILD?!?!?

(some days I just GOTTA let it out...)

Whose Mother Am I

I started this post on my A Family is Born blog while intended it for this blog. *sigh* such is life. I still haven't written it yet but when I do it will be here not there.

Maybe Baby

Looking for a book called "Waiting for Daisy: A Tale of Two Continents, Three Religions, Five Infertility Doctors, an Oscar, an Atomic Bomb, a Romantic Night, and One Woman's Quest to Become a Mother" (deep breath)


I came across this one: "Maybe Baby : 28 Writers Tell the Truth about Skepticism, Infertility, Baby Lust, Childlessness, Ambivalence, and how They Made the Biggest Decision of Their Lives"

Has anyone read either? I physically went to Barnes and Noble AND Borders and NEITHER had "Waiting for Daisy" good grief! I did end up buying this


"Someone Else's Daughter" I'll report back on this one.
6.24.09 update: not liking this one, didn't realize it was a "thriller" . . . put it down...

9 years?

NINE YEARS!

Where did it go? I'm just realizing (after recovering from an 8+ year anxiety/depression stuper) that we've lost 9 years of our lives waiting for our child.

The only real vacation we've had in that time is a trip to England to visit my inlaws. Now we are panicking thinking we may never have the chance to go on a relaxing vacation together, just us two.

For years we lived month to month waiting for a pregnancy, and waiting for a pregnancy to last.

Waiting takes a lot of time and energy, so much else, that I'm just realizing I haven't done anything for nine years but work and wait. This is not good for anyone's sanity, no wonder I ended up with severe anxiety and depression.

We were told one to two years to adopt, and our one year is almost up, I think that's why I'm panicking. Because I'm feeling we MUST be closer to having a child and being a family. And then yes, everything will be about the child. So right now, we feel like we need to do stuff for us, if that makes any sense at all.

So right now we are like, where could we go for just four days. We looked at a place 2 hours away and it was gonna be $1000 for TWO NIGHTS, yes, THREE zeros. So then we were like, what about an all-inclusive place, just get away and relax. Those are just WAY out of our price range.

Then I'm like what are we thinking. We could have to go across the country more than once to meet a child before we adopt, we can't go anywhere.

So here we are, life on hold.

Anyone else have this problem? How did/do you deal?

think before you speak

When people hear we are waiting to adopt, the reactions vary. But, quite often I get a little mini-lecture on why I don't want a girl or why I don't want a boy. What in the world?!?! People please, do you really not recognize the blessing that each and every child is? O M G !

I do occasionally get the mini-lecture on why I do want a girl or boy, but these are rare.

Then there is the ever-present "you can have mine" response, to which I always answer "OK!" This REALLY catches people off guard.

But why why why do people feel the need to tell me why I don't want children, would they do that to a pregnant woman? I think not.

the bitching post

Alrighty then, I contacted our social worker yesterday to find out the status of the 12 kids I have identified. I was prompted to do so because I received an email from one of the kid's social workers saying that they were no longer accepting home studies. Hmmmm. Our home study was supposed to have been sent weeks ago.

As, I said I emailed our social to inquire about the status. In the mean time I called the above mentioned social worker to see if she'd received our home study. She had not.

I called another child's social worker, same thing, she had not received our home study report and they we not longer taking home study reports.

WTF!

So, I email our social worker again (emailing because I'm at work and should probably be working). She proceeds to tell me that I've sent her so many emails she hasn't been able to keep up. I remind her that she said that 2 weeks ago so I sent her my spreadsheet that lists the kids names, ages, states, any contact info. I also asked her if she needed anything from me.

No reply.

So yesterday she says maybe we should have a plan. Um, you are a social worker, haven't you done this before? This is my first adoption!

So she admits that she hasn't been sending out home studies for all the kids I've identified. aaarrrrggggggg!

She says she "may have lost track."

We cannot change social workers because that means we'd have to do another home study - back to square one.

I want to cry.

not our kids

Found out today that our social worker has not been sending our home study report out as we've requested. 9 of 12 kids have been adopted, and we weren't even considered because the kid's social workers never received our home study.

I'm beyond frustrated. We cannot switch social workers because that would mean a new home study and another $3,000.

I thought I was being thorough. I have a spreadsheet (yes, I'm THAT kind of girl) with all the kids, their ages, states, date I inquired and date I signed a release for our social worker to send our home study report. Sent our social worker a copy of t

sadly, no grant for us

The couples who were awarded adoption grants from helpusadopt.org were announced today. Unfortunately we are not one of them. There were 300 applications, requesting a total of over $3 million.

I guess there are a lot of couples who need the grant more than us.

We will continue to search for our child, and find a way to make it all work out.

We cannot apply for the same grant again until next April.

Silent Sorority

Haven't read it, but thought some of my readers might wanna check it out. I'll let you know if I read it, you let me know if you've read it! But right now I'm trying "non research" reading ;)



Silent Sorority
A (Barren) Woman Gets Busy, Angry, Lost and Found
by Pamela Mahoney Tsigdinos

About the Book
What happens when a couple can't conceive after years of trying? What awaits two people who want to be parents, as they move away from the fertility treatment/adoption/mommy-and-daddy track? With humor, poignancy, and grace, Silent Sorority sheds light on the lasting impact infertility has on relationships, identity, and planning for the future. Pamela reveals what it's like to be a “non-mom” in an era dominated by Mom's Clubs and helicopter parents. Along the way, she discovers a welcoming sisterhood whose nurturing fellowship provide the foundation for a rebirth. This is the story of how a (barren) woman gets busy, angry, lost and found.

i hope someone understands

It's not about infertility or adoption, it's a book, just for reading. I haven't read a book in years. I've been doing research reading for the past nine years. I couldn't even tell you the last book I read that was not about infertility or adoption.

I am reading “My Sister’s Keeper” by Jodi Picoult, maybe you've heard of it or seen that it's being made into a movie, anyway...

I just read this:

For every person who gets,
there’s someone who must give.

That is kind of how I feel about adoption, our adoption. For us to have a child, someone must give one. And there is a certain sadness in that, for me.

I hope someone will understand.

it's my blog and i'll cry if i want to

Ok, I need to get this off my chest and I obviously cannot do it on my "A Family is Born" blog because that's my censored blog.

I am having a very difficult time. We are waiting to adopt. We have been waiting to be parents for just shy of NINE years.

Some people keep telling me adoption is not about me, it's all about the child. Adoption is not for me, it's for the child.

Hello?

Adoption would not be possible without adoptive parents, the people who want to have a child, be a parent.

There is a reason they call it the adoption triad: 1. the birth mom, 2. the baby or child and 3. the adoptive parents.

This is just really frustrating me, mostly on Twitter where I occasionally get slammed for wishing my wait was not so long. What is wrong with that? May I ask?

I just want to be a mom! Why are there people out there trying to make me feel guilty about that?

I do not mean to offend anyone, anywhere. I have tried very hard to learn about and understand the other side of adoption: the women who make a plan for their children, and the children who end up in foster care. I think some should try to learn about and understand more about those who choose to adopt.

Ok, thank you for letting me vent.
I hope someone understands.

can't get it outta my head!

First comes love
Then comes marriage
Then comes an empty baby carriage?

Infertility and IVF: A Womb with a View

from Williamsburg Yorktown Daily:

Infertility and IVF: A Womb with a View
Dr. John Janousek, M.D.
Posted: Today

Prior to medical school I worked in reproductive medical labs performing in-vitro fertilization, or IVF. I was an embryologist, the one who joined the egg and sperm together in petri dishes to form human embryos. I saw firsthand the anguish of couples who suffered from infertility and the joy when “miracle babies” were born from assisted reproductive technologies.

The usual course of life for most couples is dating, marriage, then children, and when they cannot become pregnant everything changes. There is terrific emotional stress, feelings of guilt and worthlessness, depression, and frequently marital discord.

Infertility treatments have become very advanced and more successful. IVF has come a long way since the first American baby, Elizabeth Carr, was born 27 years ago after her mother was treated by Drs. Howard and Georgiana Jones here in Hampton Roads at EVMS in Norfolk.

What is infertility?
Infertility is defined as the inability to get pregnant after trying for at least one year. Women who have repeated miscarriages are also infertile.

What are the steps in becoming pregnant?
An egg must be released from a follicle on an ovary (ovulation), and must enter one of the fallopian tubes leading to the uterus. Sperm must be present to fertilize the egg along this journey. Finally, the fertilized egg (embryo) must attach to the walls of the uterus. Conditions that interfere with any of these steps can cause infertility.

How common is infertility?
Very common. About 12% of women have trouble becoming pregnant. In couples, about 1/3 of the time it is a female factor, 1/3 are male factors, and 1/3 are a combination or unknown.

What are the causes of infertility in women?
The most common cause is a problem with ovulation (commonly hormonal). Other causes include blocked fallopian tubes (from pelvic inflammatory disease, endometriosis, or surgery), uterine problems such as a bicornuate uterus (2 compartments) and fibroids. Advanced maternal age decreases fertility as well.

What are causes of infertility in men?
Some men produce too few sperm or even none at all. Others have sperm which have an abnormal shape or impaired ability to move (motility problems). Other sperm appear normal on microscopic exam, but for biochemical reasons cannot penetrate the egg.

Trying, but no baby; what next?
Ok, a couple has been trying for a year to become pregnant without success. What are the next steps? The couple should get an appointment with a gynecologist who has experience in infertility treatment. A woman can contact her gynecologist to ask about an infertility work up or a referral.

What are some of the steps in infertility testing?
To test ovulation, a woman can check her basal body temperature every morning, check her cervical mucus texture, or use a home ovulation test kit. Blood work and ultrasounds can also be performed.

A hysterosalpingogram (HSG) is used to check for blockages in the fallopian tubes. Dye is injected through the vagina into the uterus, and fluoroscopy (continuous x ray) enables the physician to watch its passage. Laparoscopy (surgery) involves insertion of a fiberoptic scope through the skin into the pelvic area to directly visualize the reproductive organs. This is also the definitive method to diagnose endometriosis (abnormal location of cells from the lining of the uterus).

Men typically have a semen analysis done, and they can be referred to an urologist for further evaluation. Some conditions such as a hydrocele (swollen blood vein) may require a minor surgery.

What are some infertility treatments?
Infertility medications are given to women to help them ovulate and to mature and release more eggs from multiple follicles which increases the chance of conception. Artificial insemination involves washing and concentrating a sperm sample with injection into the uterus. Treatments are targeted at overcoming the specific problems identified (see steps in becoming pregnant above). Assisted Reproductive Technology (ART) refers to more advanced treatments.

What are some types of ART?
IVF refers to joining of the egg and sperm with fertilization outside of the body, in a special type of petri dish containing specific culture media. The woman is given hormone injections causing the ovaries to produce many eggs. When the eggs are mature, they are removed usually by needle aspiration and joined with the sperm in the lab. Embryos are replaced through a catheter inserted through the cervix into the uterus about 3-5 days later.

The Jones Institute’s clinical pregnancy rate per embryo transfer procedure is about 43%. Nationwide in the best clinics, there is about 22-32% “take home baby rate” per transfer; this takes into account miscarriages and ectopic (tubal) pregnancies. The CDC has a good site about ART with data from all reporting programs.

Intracytoplasmic sperm injection (ICSI) is used to overcome sperm problems, and involves using a microscope and special tiny needles to inject a single sperm directly into an egg without harming it.

Working as an embryologist was a very interesting and rewarding job for me, although I always worried about dropping the small petri dishes containing human embryos (never happened). The patients were incredibly thankful when the process worked (but of course the doctor got all the credit).

I remember a party I attended at that time, where a woman found out what I did for work. She began telling me loudly and in detail all about her husband’s low sperm count and the problems they had conceiving. The poor fellow was standing there trying to shrink into the wood work!

Remember, infertility is a common problem that can be treated, although even now many couples are not successful. About 85% are treated medically or surgically with only about 5-10% progressing to the point of needing IVF or other ART.

Infertile couples need plenty of emotional support as the inability to produce children is a huge stressor. Sexual union, instead of being an act of love turns into a mechanical process of trying to achieve the elusive goal of pregnancy, with each menstruation bringing on feelings of failure.

The good news: There are a lot of treatment options and we have one of the world’s best infertility centers close by in Norfolk at the Jones Institute. Also, let’s keep in mind another option: adoption; some of the area’s greatest people were adopted, namely ME!

Disclaimer: This does not take the place of regular medical care, and is not a complete review of any medical conditions. Consult with a physician before any treatment or taking any medications. Seek medical attention immediately for any serious symptoms, or call 911. No current or local patients have been referenced, so any resemblance is purely coincidental.

Capri by Colbie Calillat

She's got a baby inside
And holds her belly tight
All through the night
Just so she knows
She's sleeping so
Safely to keep
Her growing

Oh when she'll open her eyes
There'll be no surprise
She'll grow to be
so beautifully
just like her mother
that's carrying

Oh Capri
She's beauty
Baby inside She's loving
Oh Capri
She's Beauty
there is an angel growing peacefully
Oh Capri
Sweet Baby

Things will be hard at times
But I've learned to try
just listening
patiently

Oh Capri
Sweet Baby
Oh Capri
She's Beauty
Baby inside she's loving
Oh Capri
you're beauty
Just like your mother
that's carrying

oh Capri

oh and

We are being considered as APs for two brothers, age 3 and 4.5

Here we go again. I tolja it was a roller coaster ride!

Third time's the charm?

Cross E V E R Y T H I N G !

sitting on the potty this morning

(It's where I do some of my best thinking.)

It dawned on me that I've let go of the hope of having a biological child. Don't despair dear reader, this is NOT a bad thing.

It's all good. I'm at peace.

I don't know when it happened, all I can tell you is that it's happened.

the Biggest Loser

I feel like Tara on the Biggest Loser (2009 season): take what you can from me, learn from me.
Of course I'm talking about infertility and adoption :)

infertility journey vs. adoption journey

I hadn't realized how similar my adoption journey would be to my infertility journey.

With infertility we thought for years our problem was getting pregnant. We overcame that only to learn I'd have a problem staying pregnant. Three miscarriages.

We made the decision to adopt after my bout of severe depression due to feeling less than human because I cannot have children. I don't know anyone else like me (in real life). Everyone I know who's wanted children, had them.

We completed our home study in record time. I don't think either of us realized how agonizing waiting to be matched with a birthmom or child would be. Waiting, waiting and more waiting.

Both journeys are roller coasters. Life had prepared me for neither. I assumed from a very young age I'd get married and have babies, like anyone else. It didn't happen.

Where is my child.
Where is my heart.

eharmony for adoption

Sometimes I wish there was an eharmony.com for adoption. Birth moms could enter what they are hoping for in adoptive parents and adoptive parents could enter what they are hoping for in a baby/child. And BOOM, here are your matches. Of course this service would be FREE to all involved because it's not about the money, it's about the kids.

is there such a thing as "too sensitive?"

I got so attached to the 3 kids in a matter of days, I already thought of my iPod as the kid's iPod and of dishes and glasses as broken, I saw car seats in the back of my Jeep and bunk beds in the office...

How do I take this journey and not open my heart to each opportunity. One thing I've learned from Lucinda Bassett is that I have a certain personality (yes prone to anxiety) but also I am sensitive, creative, analytical among other things. Sensitive, it's normal to be sensitive. Usually I hear "too" in front of sensitive as in "You are too sensitive."

I am learning that there is nothing wrong with being sensitive. It is part of who I am.

I will continue to get attached to each child that comes our way. And when they don't become part of our family I will be broken hearted. But now that I've learned this about myself, I am working on over coming it.

I am already looking ahead to the next possibility of a child. One situation will be perfect. I'm starting to think that adoption is kinda like falling in love. You have to kiss a few frogs before you meet your prince or princess.

Our prince and/or princess is out there, I just hope they find us soon!

while I wait

Ok, yes, much like infertility, adoption IS a roller coaster. So while I wait I've decided to try to accomplish a few things while I still have "me time."

1. Joined WeightWatchers - lose weight so I can improve my health and be around longer for my kids.
2. Start using ProActive - my dear friend Angie turned me on to this stuff (she gave me hers to try - what a great friend!). I have PCOS which causes me to be overweight and have acne, maybe I can get both under control before I'm a mom so I won't be an embarrassment to my kids.
3. Recovering from Anxiety & Depression - I've been seeing a LCSW since last summer when I had my bout with "severe depression" and she turned me on to Lucinda Bassett and her stress and anxiety program. I am 10 weeks in to the 15-week program and I must say I'm feeling like a new woman. Less anxiety, pretty much no depression except for a few moments yesterday when the kids were returned to an abusive mother.
4. Continue to help educate others about infertility and adoption.

If you can think of anything else I can do with my time (besides work full-time + and freelance and blog) please feel free to chime in! I'm open to suggestions

infertility revisited

Ok, so my BFF Ang... (we met while both having IUI, her's was successful and she had a BEAUTIFUL 2 year old). Anyway, people have started asking when are they gonna have another??!!

Hello? This is giving us total infertility I flashbacks, you know, when everyone asks:

1. why don't you get drunk?
2. why don't you relax?
3. why don't you go on vacation?
4. why don't you "just" adopt?
   
5. why are you trying to hard?...

I could go on...

Seems there is a phase two:

1. when are you going to have another one?

Good grief people. Try to understand infertility and what Ang when through to have ONE child. It wasn't a party. She feels happy and blessed with one. Why don't some people get that?

Maybe it's just human nature and we are being too hard on people. I don't know, but I wanted to vent on Angie's behalf :) isn't that what best friends are for?

Love ya Ang!

final on 3 siblings

This morning, tired of waiting, I called the kid's social worker directly to ask if we were even being considered as a family for the three kids, or even for the twins if abusive foster/adopt mom got custody of the 6 yo.

She said yes, we were one of three families being considered. And in fact the case was in court and her supervisor was there. She'd call me when she knew something.

30 minutes later she called me back, crying, to say the judge has returned ALL THEE to the custody of the abusive foster/adopt mom.

I'm frustrated, and broken hearted, broken hearted for those kids, being sent back into a bad situation. Who would do that? Yes, sad for us too, but more so for the kids.

We will continue to search, our kids are out there somewhere.

I am just so sensitive, too sensitive, I get SO hopeful and then "BAM" in the gut. I feel as if I've had another miscarriage today. It's a sad sad day for 3 little people and 2 big ones.

update on 3 siblings

Thursday our SW called to say that the foster mom who bit the 4-year-old girl is fighting to keep the 6-year=old boy. Seems she never wanted the little girl and so she has been neglected for the past 15 months or so.

Birth parent's parental rights were given up at the birth of the twins. Haven't learned why yet.

The last foster mom is single and was in a foster to adopt situation. Our SW says because of this she has very little legal rights, if any.

So, the case will have to go to court. The kids will remain in temporary foster care until the court case is settled. Our SW says the kid's SW may start to interview families in the mean time. But now there is no way of knowing how long it could all take.

I will try to keep you posted, but SW said we shouldn't expect to hear anything for the next week or so.

I've looked in to pre-school for the twins (did I already say that in my previous post??) and the 6-year-old can go to my parent's house after school until school is out in June. Then I would probably take some of my "maternity leave" spread it out.

Our SW has not said anything about us needing to take classes, just an interview/home visit from the kid's SW at some point.

There are other families being considered, but we don't know how many.

How on earth does one keep from getting involved (emotionally) in each opportunity that comes our way.

To be successful you must accept all challenges that come your way. You can't just accept the ones you like. —Johan Bruyneel (Lance Armstrong's trainer and friend, via Twitter today)

I will keep you posted. Thanks for the kind thoughts and support!

are these my kids

Got a call from our SW yesterday asking if we are interested in a sibling group of three. Don't know where if came from but I said YES!

One 6-year-old boy, and 4-year-old boy/girl twins!

It is a foster to adopt situation.

The birth parents rights were terminated when the twins were born. They have been in foster care as far as I know.

The past 15-18 months they have been with a single mom who was planning to foster/adopt all three.

All three were removed from her care recently when she bit the little girl, trying to teach her not to bite. Seems it was a pretty bad bite and preschool reported it.

She never wanted the little girl, just the boys, so the little girl has been neglected. All three suffer from anxiety.

We are being considered as foster to adopt parents. Never thought we'd consider three and couldn't understand why SW would call us with this situation. She explained that with foster to adopt, we'd receive a stipend for each child until age 18, no matter when adoption is finalized. Also, each child would receive medicaid until adoption is finalized.

I have looked into preschool for the twins, and the 6-year-old could go to my parent's house after school.

I'd researched car seats and which would fit three in our Jeep Liberty. Depending on the weight of the twins, they might be able to sit in booster seats.

I want to be prepared if we are interviewed, I want to have the answer for how will you manage with three children when you've never had one.

I have opened my heart to these three kids. I've not seen a photo, but I do know their names.

I suffer from anxiety as do these kids. I am in recovery. I feel I could help them due to my experience.

I can't help wondering: are these my kids?

(if you are wondering why I'm posting this hear and not on my adoption journey blog, it's because some family and friends don't want to know until something's almost final, but I feel the need to blog about it.)

It's funny, I was so intent on a newborn, but it's not that I changed my mind, it's that I changed my heart.

Jane, stop this crazy thing

1. ttc (8.2000)
   
2. clomid
3. clomid
4. clomid
5. clomid
6. clomid
7. clomid
8. clomid
9. stop clomid
   
10. miscarriage (2005)
11. miscarriage (2005)
12. PCOS (2005)
    
13. Follistim and IUI - failed (2006)
    
14. Follistim and IUI - failed (2006)
    
15. Follistim
16. Follistim
17. Follistim
18. Follistim
19. stopped Follistim
    
20. miscarriage (11.2006)
21. low ovarian reserve (2007)
    
22. severe depression (6.2008)
    
23. give up all hope
24. decide to adopt (8.2008)
    
25. home study
26. home visit
27. home study approval (12.24.08)
28. waiting
29. waiting
30. waiting
    
31. birth mom reviews our profile
32. waiting
33. waiting
34. waiting
    
35. not chosen (4.2009)
36. waiting
37. waiting
38. waiting
    
39. considered for foster to adopting a sib group of THREE (4.29.09)
40. judge ruled 3 sibs be returned to the abusive foster/adopt mom (5.5.09) ugh
41. waiting
    

not chosen

just got the word that we were not chosen to be adoptive parents of the baby due April 30. she did choose someone, out of 175. i thought she'd end up keeping the baby at this point, so close to due date. i am guessing she is having a very difficult time with her decision. i can only imagine.

PS to 44 today

Do you have ANY idea how loud the biological clock ticks at 44?!?!? I think I'm goin DEAF!!! whadidja say? LOL


...at least I still have my sense of humor...

the r house

Found Mrs. R on Twitter (yes, I Twitter as waiting2adopt). So far, I'm loving her. She has adopted 2. She has some GREAT posts, I highly recommend you check her out

the r house

44 today

It's been 9 months since we started the home study. I really thought we'd have a baby by my 44th birthday. I'm always thinking "I'll be 54 when my child is 10, and 64 when they are 20, will I be around to see any grandchildren?"

WHERE IS MY BABY!!!

oh my goodness

So we are STILL waiting to hear a decision from the birth mom who is due on April 30. Friday I called and spoke to her attorney's secretary who told me the birth mom has not made a decision yet. She asked for my phone number and said she'd see what she could find out and call me back.

A few hours later the ATTORNEY called me back and said "I hear you have some good news for me?" and I was like "WHAT?!" and he repeated it and is said "are you telling me YOU have GOOD news for me????" I was FREAKING OUT at this point. So I say "wait a minute, I'm called earlier to find out if the birth mom due on April 30 has made a decision." He says "Oh. I had you confused with someone else." I wanted to PUKE!

He ended up telling me she has a list of 10-12 potential couples but he didn't have that list at hand and could not tell me if we are on it. He also said she if having a difficult time making a decision at all.

What a FRUSTRATING phone call.

THINK before you call someone, KNOW who you are talking to. It's a person's future you are messing with here.

ugh

still in it!

I called the birth mom's attorney again (see previous posts such as Alicia and Stephanie made me do it!).

The birth mom has not picked any profiles yet, she is still planning to have her baby adopted, we are still in it.

Keep those fingers, toes and eyes crossed!!!

For those of you who haven't started the "waiting" portion of adoption yet , it's much worse than waiting for a call back after a job interview when you are unemployeed. Times that by like 1,000...

the best part of infertility

Yes, there is a good part!

After struggling with infertility by myself for six years, I joined Fertility Forums in 2006. Finally, I met other women suffering with infertility too. It was great to know I was not alone. It was great to met women who knew what I was going through, who knew what I felt.

In May 2006, I met Angie and Robin. The three of us were all having IUI procedures and quickly bonded. We each live in a different state and in 2006, we were all over 35.

I'm happy to report, Angie and Robin have been successful with their fertility treatment.

I'm even happier to report that I am spending 4 days this week with Angie, her husband and their 2-year-old daughter!!! Because of the distance, I am flying, and because Angie knows we are saving money to pay for adoption, she paid for my ticket.

This is the best gift I've ever had. Thank you Angie, I am extremely grateful and I love you.

updated 4.6.09: Check this out The Snooch's Blog

Natasha's story

I've just posted 4 posts about Natasha and her story. Again, part of my quest to understand the other side of adoption, the birth mom's side. And I wanted to share it with you. I've also posted it on my "unplanned pregnancy" blog hoping it will help some birth mom's struggling with their plans for their unborn baby. But I thought some of you would like to read about Natasha as well. Watch the video last. Or at least watch the video if you don't read the other three posts.

A cyber friend sent me the link to the video. I wanted to know more, so I researched and found Natasha's entire story. My friend, like me, is waiting to be chosen.

P.S. Get the tissues ready.

#4 of 4 - Natasha's video

'He deserves more'

#3 of 4 - Natasha's Story: The end and a beginning

Huntley teen delivers baby boy, says goodbye

by Laura Tode of the Gazette Staff

Published on Sunday, February 01, 2009.
Last modified on 2/1/2009 at 12:57 am

Today's story is the third in an occasional series that followed the journey of a teenage girl through pregnancy. Natasha Batt, 17, found out she was pregnant in July and gave birth Jan. 21. She decided to place the baby - a boy - for adoption and selected a couple from Wyoming to be parents. She has found comfort and support from family and friends, especially from her mother, who as a teenager also placed a baby for adoption.

For months, Natasha Batt put life on hold, dodged prying questions and endured being the target of gossip. When the day the 17-year-old once thought would never come finally arrived, it dawned with contractions - five minutes apart.

By noon, she was at the center of an anxious audience of family and friends, including her baby's adoptive parents, Daniel and Tristan Escoz.

"It hurts, Mom. It hurts," Natasha whispered.

Mother and daughter sat on a hospital bed in a Billings Clinic delivery room. Natasha shook as a contraction tightened its grip. The papery cotton gown around her shoulders fluttered. With both hands, she held the plastic bed rail.

Liz Freeman held her daughter's face in her hands. With her thumb, she wiped a tear from her daughter's cheek as one rolled down her own.

As her body dragged her into the rhythm of labor, Natasha knew that every contraction was bringing her closer to relief, to freedom, to life back to normal. Still, she did not feel ready.

"Another one already?" she whimpered, throwing her head back on her pillow.

Her toes curled, and she made a fist around her mother's hand.

"It's what I expected, but not how I imagined it," she said between contractions.

Throughout the pregnancy, Liz asked Natasha, "Why are you doing this?" to be sure Natasha was always considering her decision to place her baby for adoption. Every time, Natasha came back with one answer: "He deserves more."

Natasha, a senior at Huntley Project High, found out she was pregnant in July, and about a month later was introduced to Daniel and Tristan, distant family friends from Buffalo, Wyo. The baby's father, who left Natasha before she discovered she was pregnant, has consented to the adoption.

Natasha's resolve was sharpened by labor pains, and as expected, the contractions grew in frequency and intensity.

"Please, not again, don't do it again," Natasha mumbled as a contraction approached.

"Look at me. Focus. You can get through it. Focus," Liz said.

Midway through labor, Natasha accepted pain medication to take the edge off the contractions. She refused an epidural, which would have blocked the pain when labor was worst. She wanted to be alert when the baby was born. The time she would have with him would be short, and she wanted to remember it clearly.

"Tristan, I'm ready to see this little guy, are you?" Natasha said between contractions.

"Oh, I am, I am," Tristan said. "I wish I could take some of your pain, sweetie."

After the next, excruciating contraction, the nurse called for the doctor. Natasha was getting close to delivery. When the doctor came in, the crowd filed out the door and into the hall. Daniel, Tristan and several of Natasha's friends stared at the door, listening.

At little more than 5 feet tall, Tristan is talkative and as spunky as her messy, short hair style.

Daniel, a lanky 6 feet tall, is mostly quiet, but when he speaks, it's a joke, teasing but tender. A love of hard work shows on his dusty cowboy hat and leathery hands.

Lifelong Wyoming residents, Daniel and Tristan come from tight-knit families and ranching backgrounds. Tristan works for her parents as a manager at their liquor store and bar in Buffalo. As a hobby more than a profession, Daniel tends a small ranch the couple own.

Natasha's baby will be Tristan's parents' first grandchild, and the seventh - but no less celebrated - grandchild of Daniel's parents.

When it came time to choose a name, Daniel suggested Alberto, a strong, Basque name. He knew it wouldn't fly with Tristan, and it became a lighthearted point of contention between husband and wife. They shared it with Natasha, who saw the humor in it but needed a name. She called her baby "Little Al" ever since.

Daniel and Tristan finally settled on the name Tayden. His middle name, Pierre, is a tribute to Daniel's Basque heritage.

Welcome, son

At 5:56 p.m. on Jan. 21, Tayden Pierre was born, weighing 6 pounds, 14 ounces and stretching 19 inches long.

"Little Al is in the world," Natasha's friend Molly Ekness, 17, announced to a friend on her cell phone.

Natasha shuddered from shock and exhaustion. Her face and shoulders were sprinkled with tiny red dots - capillaries broken while pushing.

She looked down, patted her empty belly and said, "Next, a red prom dress."

The longest wait

Tristan and Daniel stood outside the door as their newborn son took his first breath and cried. He wailed as the doctor and nurses examined and bathed him.

Tristan held Daniel's waist, dabbing the tears welling behind her glasses. For all the time they had spent hoping for a child, the longest wait was the few minutes they stood outside the door listening to their baby cry.

When the door finally opened, Tristan and Daniel kept their emotions in check. Inside, Natasha, a girl they had come to know so well, held the son they plan to love forever. His face was hidden inside a puffy, quilted wrap.

The new parents floated through the doorway. Tristan leaned down, holding Natasha around the shoulders, sobbing.

"I love you, I love you. There isn't enough words to say what you mean to us," Tristan said.

Respectful of Natasha, Tristan didn't hold out her arms until the baby was passed to her. Daniel was silent, watching with a smile.

Without a word, Natasha presented her son to his mother.

Natasha closed her eyes, serenely tipped her head back on the pillow and smiled, then rolled her head over to exchange smiles with Tristan. It was the single moment Natasha had dreamed about for months, the moment she focused on whenever she faced criticism or questioned her decision.

Tristan finally was holding her baby boy.

Adoption's risk

From the start of their relationship, Tristan and Daniel knew they wanted to be parents. Adoption entered their conversation in June, after fertility treatments were unsuccessful. Daniel has multiple sclerosis, which presents the possibility that his children could be at an increased risk of developing the disease, so that factored into their decision, too.

They met Natasha in September and have spent the past five months preparing for parenthood. They filled out reams of paperwork, went through background checks and home studies and had friends submit letters of recommendation. Tristan got a good deal on a secondhand crib and changing table, and they painted the nursery in simple pastels.

But Tristan opted not to have a baby shower, buying only a few basics for the baby. She didn't want to "jinx herself," she said, in case Natasha changed her mind.

In Montana, adoptions cannot be finalized until at least 72 hours after the baby's birth, and during that time, birth mothers have been known to change their minds. The more Tristan and Daniel got to know Natasha, the more confidence they had in her decision, but they were mindful that a change of heart was possible.

"You're all prepared for this little thing to come into your life, and you think here I am all ready and what if she changes her mind?" Tristan said.

Monday, Natasha signed over her parental rights, completing her part of the adoption. Natasha said she didn't want contact from Tristan or Daniel for four years, and after that, it would be up to Tristan to decide when Tayden was ready to meet his birth mother.

Her biggest moment

Natasha was cleared to leave 24 hours after the birth, but the baby had to stay in the hospital two days. Liz spent the first night in Natasha's room to take care of the baby while her daughter slept, and arrangements were made to provide a room for Daniel and Tristan to stay with the baby on the second night so Natasha could go home.

Before she left, Natasha wanted time alone with the baby.

"I get a whole lifetime with him, and she gets only this short precious time with him," Tristan said as she sat in the waiting area with Daniel and Natasha's family.

In the dark room, Natasha held her baby and rocked. Through tears, she looked into his face. He was everything she ever pictured he would be - tiny, familiar and perfect. He smiled in his sleep, and a feeling of relief washed over Natasha.

"This little boy, without doing anything, did so much for me," she said. "I'm going to miss his biggest moments - his first words, when he walks, rides his horse - but he was my biggest moment without having to do anything. He made me grow up."

Snow fell outside, and in the window light, Natasha penciled a note on a small piece of paper.

Thank you Tristan and Daniel for being the perfect family by not being perfect and most of all thank you Tayden for being my Little Al.

She slipped it into the bassinet. She kissed him on the forehead, gently laid him down and fell into her mother's arms. Liz wrapped her arm around her daughter's waist and supported her as they walked down the empty hall. A nurse, her cheeks wet with tears, followed them, pushing the baby bassinet to Tristan and Daniel's room.

Natasha did not look back.

Contact Laura Tode at ltode@billingsgazette.com.

#2 of 4 - Pregnancy teaches teen hard lessons

by Laura Tode of The Gazette Staff

Published on Sunday, January 11, 2009
Last modified on 1/11/2009 at 1:27 am


Natasha Batt is a girl who doesn't like surprises, can't keep a secret and always wants a plan.

She paid close attention during the Billings Clinic Welcome Baby class last month, and during a recent tour of the Family Birth Center she waited until the 25 or so other expectant parents cleared out to ask more specific questions: How do I keep from lactating? Are the rooms soundproof? Does every room have a Jacuzzi tub? Where is the waiting room?

Then, Natasha took another loop around the center, visiting the birthing suite a second time, fingering the stark white linens on the bed and peeking into the bathroom. She also took another look at the Anne Milliken suite, the place the adoptive parents will stay with the baby.

Natasha, 17, decided to place her baby for adoption last summer, a few weeks after she learned that she was pregnant. She found a couple in Wyoming who are ready for a son, and the baby's father, a boyfriend who left Natasha before she found out she was pregnant, has agreed to the adoption.

Now, seven months after discovering she was pregnant and with her due date three weeks away, everything in Natasha's life has changed.

Natasha has no regrets or resentments.

Amid morning sickness, weight gain and an exhausting work and school schedule, she accepts the changes, dwelling on the positive.

She's more determined to go to college and face life's challenges - including motherhood when the time is right. She has learned the difference between true friendship and passing high school alliances. She is working harder than ever, juggling schoolwork and an almost-full-time schedule at Target on the West End. This past quarter, she got all A's and saved enough money to visit a friend in Denver during Thanksgiving. And she has found the greatest support in her mother, Liz Freeman, who also placed a baby for adoption when she was a teenager.

'If it happens, it happens.' The changes in Natasha's body have been accompanied by some changes in her thinking, especially about pregnancy.

Before, Natasha associated pregnancy and motherhood with such emotions as joy, hope and excitement. But she felt none of that when she looked down at a positive pregnancy test in the bathroom of her parents' house last July.

"I expected to smile when I saw that," Natasha said. "That's what you want to feel."

Instead, she was terrified. Her knees buckled, and she broke down bawling, ran to her mother's room and delivered the news by handing her the test stick.

Every idyllic notion she had of motherhood dissolved in her tears.

Natasha was taking birth control, but not because she considered the prospect of pregnancy devastating. While it's certainly a life-changing event, Natasha had seen other pregnant girls, and it didn't seem so bad.

"I didn't want to be pregnant, but I was like, 'If it happens, it happens,' " she said.

It's an unspoken belief among teenage girls, she said. Most girls she knows have the same come-what-may attitude about motherhood. They don't want to admit it because they know adults would be shocked, she said.

"Then, when you are going through it and you see the way that you used to think, it's embarrassing. God, is it embarrassing," she said.

Natasha knew that having a baby would seriously change the course of her life. Whenever she would think "if it happens, it happens" she would try to tell herself that such thinking would get her into trouble, would get her pregnant.

"I was like, 'Don't think that, don't think that,' but you can't help it," Natasha said.

No honesty out there

Natasha's voice rises and her hands ball up in fists when she talks about a child development class at Huntley Project High. It requires students to take an electronic doll home, and at regular intervals, the doll makes a noise indicating that it's time for a diaper change or a bottle.

"You get to take home this cute little computer baby that comes with a diaper, comes with a bottle, comes with, you know, everything," Natasha said.

Natasha opens up her hand where she wrote in ball point pen something she wanted to remember for the interview - the cost of a container of baby formula at the store where she works. A 25.7-ounce can of baby formula is $25, she announced.

"Who knows that?" she said. "How much do these students have to buy to take care of this baby? Nothing! ... As far as I'm concerned, you should have to pay to take the baby, because everybody thinks it's a joke to take this baby, and the baby is a joke."

Natasha is one of four girls who have been pregnant in the past three years at Huntley Project High School. She wants her pregnancy to be a reality check for other teenagers, and when they ask how it feels, she is honest. She wants them to ask questions. After all, she was once curious about pregnancy.

"If I could have just went up and asked someone - if only I could have saw what I'm going through," she said. "I'm letting the reality come out of me, I'll tell you what."

The reality is morning sickness all day, hormone surges, weight gain, constant fatigue and working nearly full time to pay for food and clothes. She feels like everyone looks at her differently. She has missed out on activities and found little support among her peers.

"There's no honesty out there," Natasha said, glancing to the ceiling to keep tears from running down her face.

Why not celebrate?

On one of the coldest, snowiest days in December, Natasha's family hosted a Gift of Life Party at their home in Ballantine. Winds howled and snow drifted around the cars parked outside the old truck stop that the family has made into a home. Inside, the mostly teenage crowd took turns sampling baby food, trying to guess what was in the tiny unmarked jars and attempting to guess Natasha's girth.

The games were typical of a baby shower, but honoring Natasha's decision to place her baby for adoption was the focus of the party.

From Liz's point of view, every culture marks major life changes, including milestone birthdays, engagements, marriages and sometimes divorce and break-ups. So why not a decision to place a baby for adoption?

Natasha's friends asked her questions about the baby's parents, what it feels like when the baby kicks and what she's going to do after he is born. They gave her gifts, and sentimental cards triggered tears among the girls. With their cell phones, they snapped photos of Natasha modeling the new pink robe and slippers they gave her.

Natasha's relationships with classmates began to change almost immediately after school started in September. They approach her differently now, Natasha said.

"They ask me how I'm doing, and I wonder are they asking me how I am doing or how I am doing pregnant," she said.

Friends who have shown true concern have stayed in her circle.

A birth plan

Natasha knows what to expect, and she has a plan for when the baby comes.

The only people allowed in the room during delivery will be the doctor, the nurses, her sister Katherine, Liz and Jeff Hagel, Liz's fiancé and the father figure for her children. When Natasha is ready and the baby has been examined and bathed, a few visitors, including the baby's adoptive parents, can come in to see her and the baby. Then, she wants time to be alone with the baby - as long as she needs.

"I'm going to be a mess, a medieval mess," she said. "It's so hard to explain being pregnant. You just cry - for no reason you just cry."

She will have plenty of reasons to cry when the baby is born. Relief, loss, joy, exhaustion - Natasha has no idea what she will be feeling.

Natasha can be discharged after 48 hours, and then her plan is two-fold: distraction and avoidance.

How much time she can take off from school will depend on when the baby is born. Semester tests are coming up, and she will need to take them regardless of when the baby is born, but she hopes to have two weeks to spend with her stepsister, who plans to come to Billings from Denver when the baby is born. They'll shop, get their hair done and eat out. At about that time, Natasha will turn 18, and she plans to celebrate. Then, it's back to school and work, and the start of a diet-and-exercise routine so she's ready for a red prom dress this spring.

Natasha and the adoptive parents will sign custody documents 72 hours after the baby is born - the soonest allowed by law. And, as part of her plan for avoidance, Natasha doesn't want to see the baby or hear from the parents for at least a year, and possibly longer. It's not that she doesn't want contact with the baby and his family; she just wants some time to move on.

"I want to go back to being me," she said.

Contact Laura Tode at ltode@billingsgazette.com.

#1 of 4 - Huntley teen relies on support of family

by Laura Tode of the Gazette Staff

Published on Sunday, December 14, 2008.
Last modified on 12/14/2008 at 12:14 am

In the waiting room at Billings Clinic downtown, Natasha Batt sits in a pink chair with her legs crossed, bouncing her puffy foot in a flip-flop. The appointment is just a routine checkup for her but not for many teenagers.

Natasha, 17, is pregnant and waiting for her fourth prenatal visit. Her black hooded sweatshirt is on her lap in an unconscious effort to cover her rounded belly.

Natasha is a senior at Huntley Project High School and found out she was pregnant in July. With the love and support of family, she made one of the most difficult decisions of her life - a decision that's forced her mother to consider her past again with new perspective.

She wears sweat pants because the idea of buying maternity clothes is too overwhelming. Besides, she's not even used to saying the word "pregnant."

"I find pregnant the word that is the most awkward to say - even right now I hate saying I'm pregnant," she said.

As her belly has grown, she has had to make the announcement less often.

When the nurse calls, Natasha walks down the hall without a glance at the dozen or so bulletin boards covered in snapshots of happy couples, cradling pink- and blue-clad newborns. Someone else will be smiling for a photo with the baby boy growing inside Natasha.

In the doctor's office, the nurse places a microphone on Natasha's belly. The machine hisses and produces a muffled sound like water rushing, lapping against a board. Natasha relaxes, listens awhile and closes her eyes. The baby's OK, and that's all she really wants to know. As the nurse moves the microphone, the heartbeat gets louder, and Natasha smiles.

The doctor asks her if she has any questions. She doesn't, and he hands her "28 Weeks," a folder of colorful papers with information on pregnancy and a guide to nursing. It is written for mothers whose babies will go home with them.

Several years before Natasha's pregnancy, her mother, Liz Freeman, talked to her about sex, birth control, abortion and sexually transmitted diseases. Natasha was young, maybe 11 or 12, but her mother was determined to catch her before she learned about sex in locker rooms and at slumber parties.

At the end of their conversation, Natasha asked her mother what she should do if she became pregnant.

"Come to me," her mom said. "Come to me right away."

When it seemed to Natasha that the time was right, the two of them went to Planned Parenthood to explore birth control options. Natasha struggled to find a method that didn't disrupt her cycle. It was while trying different brands and types of birth control that she became pregnant.

Changes in her body and occasional morning sickness had her worried she was pregnant, but several pregnancy tests were negative. She knew something wasn't right and took one more. Positive.

Natasha was home when she found out. She ran to her mother's room and handed her the pregnancy test. It said "pregnant" in the little plastic window. Enough said.

Liz gripped her in a tight embrace.

"It's going to be OK, it's going to be all right. It's all right," she whispered into her weeping daughter's hair.

A mother who understands

Natasha's mother was pregnant when she was 15. She knows the heartache, loneliness and shame of teen pregnancy. She knows what it does to a girl's body and the confusion that can cause. She chose to place her baby up for adoption.

"I know what it takes to make that decision and the strength it takes to follow through," Liz said. "Everything inside of you, you don't want to do it."

Even though it was almost 30 years ago, Liz could have chosen an open adoption, but she knew herself. Contact with the baby and the family would be agonizing, she thought. She had only one stipulation in her search for parents. She wanted the baby to have a stay-at-home mom, at least in the baby's early years. A teenager, attending high school and maybe college in her future, she knew she wouldn't be able to spend as much time with the baby as she knew it needed.

"I told everyone, 'I don't want to know if it's a boy or a girl, I don't want to see it. I don't want to hold it. I want to know if it's OK,' " Liz said. "My doctor asked me why, and I said that if I see the baby, it won't leave me - and I knew it."

Liz, then 15, squeezed her eyes shut at the final push during delivery and broke down in tears before asking if the baby was OK. She was. And that was the last Liz would know of the baby for a year.

She didn't know that it was a girl until a year later, when she mustered the courage to contact the adoption agency. They told her the girl was happy, healthy and living with a Montana family on a ranch. She learned to walk before she was a year old.

Liz lives with the sometimes-painful loss of a child, but she is at peace with her decision.

"I can guarantee, you're not doing it for yourself because it tears you up - you do it for them," Liz said.

Today, the girl would be 28. She may not know she was adopted, but if she does, Liz's adoption records are open. The woman could contact her mother anytime, but hasn't.

Family first, family forever

In Natasha's life, the concept of family has never been conventional.

Liz has known her fiancé, Jeff Hagel, since childhood, but the two haven't always been a couple. Both were previously married. Natasha, who no longer has contact with her birth father, considers Jeff her dad.

When Natasha counts her siblings, she taps the fingers on her right hand one at a time, then taps all the fingers of her left hand on the edge of the table top before starting over on her right hand. Full-blood related siblings, half sisters, children born to Jeff in his first marriage and Liz's firstborn that she placed for adoption - the number comes to 12. Four children live at home with Liz and Jeff. Natasha is the second-oldest. Her older sister Katherine Brackett, 20, lives in the Heights. Natasha's younger sister Mikala, 14, is a bubbly eighth-grader at Huntley Project. Marshal, 11, and Landen, 9, are the youngest.

All their lives, Liz's children have known they have an older sister who was placed for adoption.

"We go extended family," Liz said. "Family is family, and it doesn't take blood to be family."

Natasha has a tattoo on the top of her right foot that says "Family Forever." Katherine and one of Jeff's daughters have the same tattoo. It's an upside-down, mirror image. From her perspective it spells "family." From anyone else's it says "forever."

Liz, Jeff and Katherine will join Natasha in the delivery room when the baby is born, and together, they're taking a "Welcome Baby" class at Billings Clinic, which offers expecting parents relaxation and labor techniques. The class has brought a sense of reality to the family's situation. During the class, they've flown from tears and hugs to laughter and playful pillow fights.

Natasha's decision

At first, Natasha could picture herself as a young mother. She loved taking care of her younger brothers, and as Liz puts it, she's "a nurturer." The timing of the pregnancy was less than perfect, but Natasha decided she was up for motherhood, ready or not. She would do whatever it took, and when she told her parents she planned to keep the baby, they committed to do the same. More now than ever, they told her, she needed to go to college.

She let herself get excited and shopped for baby clothes, bought a stroller, wondered if it was a boy or a girl and dreamed like every mother does.

But then one day, she was standing in the shower and reality hit. With school, homework and a part-time job, when would she find time to be a mother? Would she ever have the money to buy everything the child needed? What about the life experiences that help parents make good decisions? Time, money, experience - she didn't have any.

"That's just so not fair to a kid," she said. "This kid deserves more."

She decided she would place the baby for adoption and hasn't wavered in her decision since.

The baby's father left before Natasha found out she was pregnant, and although Natasha informed him of her pregnancy, he hasn't expressed an interest in fatherhood.

A lucky couple

Natasha explored local adoption agencies, but before choosing one she was contacted by distant family friends who had heard of her decision. Other than to say they live in a small Wyoming town, Natasha wants to honor their privacy until the baby is born.

She had never met them, so they sent her letters and a photo album to introduce themselves.

"I opened the front page and it was done right there," she said.

The book starts with a letter from the baby's mother and one from the baby's father. The conversational tone of the letters, their typos and misspellings, all gave Natasha an instant feeling of relief and joy.

"I hate perfect. Nobody's perfect, and if you try to be perfect it just makes you seem desperate," Natasha said.

The album included pictures of the couple's dogs, cats and horses, photos of their wedding day and a picture of the baby's grandparents dancing.

"They're not afraid to have fun," she said. "I want this kid to be raised that way - the way I was raised."

Contact Laura Tode at ltode@billingsgazette.com or 657-1392.

you gotta walk before you run

We survived the 10K on Saturday and are already planning on doing another one on May 30.

Looking for something to keep you busy while you are waiting to be chosen? May I recommend training for a 10K or three? We are still walking but plan to run someday. As they say: you gotta walk before you run.

This is also helping us get ready to be parents, especially since I'm "older" I want to be around for as much of my child's life (and grandchildren too - hopefully!) as possible!

We are trying to add years to our lives. A good way, IMHO, to spend your time waiting.

04.03.09 update: doc says no 10K in May due to my injured toe. phooey!

poor Julie...

I was talking to my aunt about my cousin (not her daughter) being pregnant, and finding out on Facebook, yadda yadda yadda.

So my aunt says, you don't want people always saying and thinking "poor Julie."

So my husband and I were talking about this in the car Friday and I said to him yes, yes I do want people saying poor Julie. I want people to recognize what a tragedy it is to not be able to have children.

I don't want people saying poor Julie about anything else. I don't want pity. But I do want people to recognize what a tragedy it is for ANYONE to be infertile and to not be able to have children. Poor me, poor them.

I guess what goes hand and hand with this, it the fact that I want people who have children to recognize it for the blessing that it is. (you may or may not remember my ex-friend who told me I was blessed to not have children...).

So while I was in the car talking to my husband about "poor Julie" I was also thinking about blogging about "poor Julie." Yes, I think about my blog posts well in advance. I try to process them so when I sit down at my computer they come out making sense.

In life there is tragedy. Infertility is one of them, infertility is mine.

10k saturday

So I keep imagining that we get "the call" while we are in the middle of the 10k on Saturday. Yes, I'm taking my cell phone!

(Lucinda Bassett would call this "Magical Thinking!" I do a lot of it!)

3.29.08 update: no call during the 10k... It was Magical Thinking....

would you care for a divorce

Throughout our 9-year journey, there have been ups and downs, of course.

After some unsuccessful cycles with meds, and unsuccessful IUIs I finally managed to bring myself to ask my husband if he would like to divorce me and find a "working" model instead.

I was totally serious. He laughed at me.

All along he has been very supportive. The one time he was not: when I had injections, he had promised he would do the injection in my abdomen for me, but when it came time he just couldn't do it. He has often said that if there are only the 2 of us in our family that is ok too.

The irony of it all is that the thing that attracted me to him when I met him was the way he talked about his 2.5 year old niece. He wanted to have children right after we got married, but since he immigrated to the USA and the first three years are like a "trial" I didn't want to have children right away because I was afraid he might not like living here and would want to move back to England.

Here we are, nearly 13 years later, childless.

We have a niece and nephew in England. We saw them last year for the first time in NINE years. It's difficult for us to get to England, especially with all the infertility treatment debt and now the expense of adoption.

He wouldn't divorce me. And he's already offered to "get fixed" when the time comes since I've had to go through the injections, ultrasounds, IUIs, etc. He says it's his turn to take one for the team.

i want my MTV!

(How old am I? does anyone else remember that advertising campaign?) :P

Two of my friends told me about a program on MTV called TrueLife and right now there is an episode on called "I Placed My Baby for Adoption."

It was on at 4 a.m. today so we DVR'd it and my husband and I are watching it right now. I wanted to post so you can search for it and hopefully it will still be running for the next week or so.

It is a reality show about 2 pregnant young women and their decision to adopt, but it's just one episode.

We are still trying to learn as much as we can about what it's like for the birth mom.

updated 3.26.09: there is a followup to this program on here. I watched it and it was very good. I feel for the women who have to make the decision to keep or give up their baby. I know it must be difficult to keep in mind what is best for the baby.

Stephanie and Alicia made me do it!

I called the birth mom's attorney's office. No decision has been made. The woman who answers the phone kindly offered to call me when a decision has been made. She can totally understand how it feels to be hanging on.

Stephanie and Alicia: thank you for your support and encouragement! We aren't out of it yet!

There is still hope!

too many blogs on the dancefloor

One of these days I'm gonna post the wrong thing on the wrong blog!

So, a cousin of mine has been telling me for years how she NEVER wants to have kids. Even as recently as last July at a funeral she was telling me with such conviction "never never never."

Earlier this week, her partner (male) announced on FACEBOOK that they are having a baby in September.

Later that day (or the next) I received a very sweet and thoughtful email (on Facebook) from her saying she was sorry I found out about her pregnancy on Facebook and that she had intended on sending me a personal email... She realizes it is probably difficult for me to hear about other's pregnancies, etc.... Then she says they went through infertility treatment! wtf. What's with the "never never never ever" poop? I don't understand.

I responded that I appreciated her thoughtful email and wished them all the best.

Do some people hide behind the lie that they don't want children when in fact they can't have children? I for one, don't understand this, but then I've always let it all hang out, no secrets. I never wanted people to think we were selfish child-haters who didn't want children.

I'm still in shock and wondering what's going on. She knew I had infertility issues. We are blood relatives. I'd have liked to known so we could swap war stories and see if it's something genetic. Or at least to know I'm not the only one in the family who hasn't been able to have children easily.

I guess I will always grieve for my 3 lost babies when I hear of another's pregnancy. I hope it goes away, but I don't know when.

ok, so how long do I wait

The birth mom was looking at profiles this past weekend. Still no call. I want to know if she's chosen, either way. Just to put an end to the wondering. This is WAY worse than the 2ww (did I already say that in a previous post?)

I'm going to try to wait until next week to call her attorney. You know, I've tried to tell myself we won't be chosen just so I'm not let down. Kinda like telling your self you aren't pregnant after so many mishaps. Self defense.

If your profile was being viewed did someone let you know when the wait was over? either way? or did you just assume after say 2 weeks that you had not been chosen?

We are doing a 10k this Saturday so I'm just trying to use that to focus on and try to forget about everything else (that being THE WAITING!) LOL. See how well I'm doing?

Any advice is welcome!

peace, love and blog

Why do I blog?

I blog with hope that someone will come across my blog and learning something from me that will help them on their journey, whatever it may be.

I have 2 other blogs that readers of this blog are privy to. Readers of my other 2 blogs are not privy to the other 2 blogs. (does that make sense?)

Here, I try to blog about infertility and the aftermath and the reality of it all. No sugar-coating here.

My A Family is Born blog is for family and friends to follow along our adoption journey and learn about everything we have to go through along the way in detail. This blog is also for those going through their own adoption journey, in hopes that that can learn something from my journey and maybe it will save them time, money, heartache, whatever.

My Unplanned Pregnancy? blog is for women who have an unplanned pregnancy. I hope to educate them about how many women would love to adopt and encourage them to think at least twice before considering an abortion. I have collected a lot of resources for them in hopes that it's a user-friendly one-stop-shop. It's pink and not scary. I am happy to report a lot of my readers of this blog exit via Planned Parenthood. I hope this blog will save some babies.

I want to do my best to coach other women through their infertility journey and/or adoption journey. I will hold your hand. Maybe it's the mom in me. It has long been my belief that if I know 10 things and you know 10 things then together we know 20 things! Wooo hooo!

I hope this blog fulfills my hopes and yours.

um, nesting or simple diversion?

So I finished our taxes yesterday (yes, I do our taxes all by myself and I am VERY proud about this).

Then I started cleaning and shredding paper, and wiping off counter tops. Was this nesting or just a simple diversion to keep me from thinking about the birth mom who was supposed to be looking at our profile this weekend? It's just too good to be true, she won't pick us. I've told you, I've told me.

Things that sound too good to be true usually are...

OH and last night I found out my cousin is pregnant. She's said she would NEVER have kids, didn't want kids.... harumph... I found out on Facebook and that is just an inappropriate place to post such blessed news.

And now, because I suffer from perfectionism along with my anxiety, I can't stop wondering "what could I have done differently in our profile to make her pick us?" but I'm learning that there is nothing I could have done.

It is what it is.
Life is NOT fair (that is a fact, not me whining).
I'm learning.

serenity..... now?

I know two serenity prayers, this one (pictured above) and

Frank Constanza's "Serenity Now!" (below)

in my dreams

More than once, I've had this same dream:

I fall asleep in bed, with my Chocolate Lab Gemma (g as in Julie, not a g like in gum!) at my feet.

When I wake up, Gemma has turned into a newborn baby girl.

talking myself out of it

I've been telling myself all afternoon that we won't be picked.

I know the birth mom was looking at profiles this weekend, but I've already convinced myself that she's done and we have not been picked.

I guess I'm in self-defense mode. It's worse than the dreaded 2WW.

I'm at a point tonight where I'm afraid to have hope.

Yes, there is one more day left in "the weekend" so it's possible the birth mom hasn't seen ANY profiles yet. Who knows.

It's a very nerve-wracking time. I may have to take extra anti-anxiety meds tonight so I can sleep and stop the negative thinking.

Who would pick us? I'm too old. We make too little money. I'm not worthy.

orphans

There are many differences between domestic adoption and international adoption. The one I am feeling the most right now is that in domestic adoptions you have to wait for a birth mother to choose you (usually). In international adoption, you choose the child.

Waiting to be chosen is very difficult. I can't help but think/worry that we may never be chosen. When I think this, I also think, this is the same way a child in an orphanage waiting to be chosen must feel.

I am an orphan too.

frozen Saints: part II

This came from a friend of a friend, Fr. Casey:

For some strange reason, St. Thomas More is the patron Saint of Adoption:
(see medal)

http://www.catholicfreeshipping.com/products/cfs_stphilsilcm.html

But St. Joseph was a foster father to Jesus and Jude is patron Saint of last resorts if they have been trying for awhile. I would say lock all 3 in the freezer and pray.

frozen Saint: part I

The birth mom's attorney called to say they have received our profile - this is a huge relief! WHEW!!! The woman who called me, I guess a secretary, told me to put St. Jude in my freezer for adoption! Not being Catholic, this puzzles me a bit, but I'll do anything.

I've looked up St. Jude, patron saint of lost causes! :O anyway, I'm working on getting a St. Jude statue for my freezer.

If anyone of my dear readers is Catholic, please feel free to enlighten me as to why the patron saint of lost causes would help with adoption, I'd appreciate it.

The birth mom is looking at profiles this weekend.


P.S. Last night Pope John Paul VI was in my dream. I usually do have some very crazy dreams, but a Pope has never made an appearance before.

wing & a prayer

Finally an adoption that we could afford has come to our attention. We have submitted our profile for the birth mom to review. I know, usually things that sound too good to be true are, but I have hope. The birth mom is due on my dad's birthday.

We are not telling family and friends because there really isn't anything to tell yet. She will probably pick a few couples to meet (the finalists) and then choose the adoptive parents after that. She is in her 8th month so it's all going to happen fast. I'll let you know if she wants to meet us. If we don't hear anything in the next few days, we probably weren't choosen.

Please keep us in your thoughts! Fingers, toes and eyes crossed!

true confessions

Ok dear reader, so you've already learned a few things about me. Here's some more.

I suffer from anxiety, depression (duh) and stress. I have been seeing a LCSW (Licensed Clinical Social Worker) since my visit to the deep pit of despair last summer. I knew I was in bad shape when my nurse practitioner asked me if I had a gun in my purse. (No - just in case you were wondering, so not a gun person.)

This was my hugest "why me" period. Why am I here? What's my purpose if not to be a mom? What can I contribute if it's not an adult of the future? I'm a failure at being a human being... and so on, maybe you've been there. I was put on an anti-depressant and anti-anxiety meds (yes, this was gone over with a fine-toothed comb during our home study).

My LCSW recommended I go through this program and I agreed. It's Lucinda Bassett's Overcoming Stress and Anxiety program. I am in week 5 and already not only can I tell a difference, but others can as well. I REALLY want to get over (or recover as "they" say) from my problem and be off my meds by the time we adopt.

I am such a worrier, a what if thinker, a "magical" thinker (as Lucinda calls it). I can overcome this and wanted my readers to know they can too. I love the magical thinker part. It totally goes with my post about being punished. About someone or something punishing me by not allowing me to have a baby. Magical thinking. No one is punishing me. It is the hand I've been dealt. Life is not fair. Lucinda talks about teaching her 5-year-old son to say "life is not fair" rather than "IT is not fair." I wish I would have learned that when I was 5!

Please feel free to ask me about this, either by leaving a comment or emailing me. As you know, I'm game to talk about anything. And I want others to learn from me, from what I've been through. I'm happy to help in any way I can. As I told one friend of mine, it's my goal to get as many women pregnant as I can! She has a child and laughed and said "stay away from me!" I explained I meant women with infertility problems.

There are 15 weeks of CDs in Lucinda's program. You get to listen in on "group" sessions. There is even home work. I've also purchased one of her books, From Panic to Power. I never realized how many panic attacks I have! Good grief! There is an online form for those going through the program, you join in the month you start so everyone is listening to the same CDs at the same time. I have taken comfort from some fellow members (this part is free).

Fortunately my LCSW lends me the CDs because I think it is like $600 to purchase the entire program, but I looked on ebay and you can get it cheaper there ;)

Ok, I know this is kinda scattered, but I wanted to share.

Maybe your stress/anxiety/depression isn't as bad as mine, maybe it's worse. There are all levels on the CDs. Some people won't drive or leave their homes. I'm more in the middle. I don't like crowds. Anyway, feel free to ask me anything. Ten more weeks to go ;)

Happy Monday!

obviously the chicken!

I keep thinking of the saying "which came first, the chicken or the egg?"

I have no eggs, so obviously it was the chicken!!!



Maybe the Hen Fruit blog is wearing off on me, I have eggs on the brain... but no where else...

honest scrap award

I was "tagged" with the Honest Scrap award today by my lovely blogger friend Que Sera, Sarah. I am honored, tickled and happy to oblige.

'Ere 'Tis The Rules:

1. Choose a minimum of seven (7) blogs that you find brilliant in content or design.
2. Show the seven (7) winners names and links on your blog, and leave a comment informing them that they were prized with "Honest Scrap." Well, there's no prize, but they can keep the nifty icon.
3. List at least ten (10) honest things about yourself.

'Ere 'Tis Me blogs:

1. Hen Fruit *wink*
2. Ya Ya Stuff
3. Our Adoption Journey
4. Full Circle
5. And so she prays
6. An Infertile Blonde
7. The Snooch
   

'Ere 'Tis Me Scraps:

1. I'm afraid I'll never be blessed with a child.
2. I hate it every month when I get my period.
3. I was raped and beaten.
4. I'm afraid of the dark.
5. I'm afraid I'll never be blessed with grandchildren.
6. I think too far ahead.
7. I think too far behind.
8. I'm honest to a fault.
9. I see a therapist about my depression about not being a mom.
10. I can't believe people read my blogs, let alone give me an award.

I'm honored.

the ultimate punishment

I am being punished.

I'm not allowed to get and stay pregnant, give birth and be a mom.

We had to get approved to be allowed to adopt, and now we wait. The wait is endless.

What did I do wrong. Am I a bad person. Why am I being punished. Why can't I be a mom.

Where did I take the wrong turn, what could I have done different. What could I have done so that I could be allowed to get and stay pregnant. What could I have done to be allowed to be a mom.

Where where where did I go wrong.

Why am I being punished.

This IS how I feel. I know I'm not being punished. But this is how I feel.

Yes, I've been pregnant three times. I've also miscarried three times. Dangle that carrot.


My total meltdown was last summer. So I am done with that, but now I want to know why. And now, waiting to adopt, and I'm in an angry phase. I've been denied. Why.

What do I have to do to be a mom. What do I have to prove. I've injected my belly for endless days, until I was black and blue.

I just want to be a mom and have a family. Is that asking too much.

just a thought

Before you are allowed to adopt, you have to go through an extensive Home Study, so why not have something similar for people who want to have IVF... (especially if they already have several children.)

a guest post: So What Am I?

from my friend and fellow blogger Alicia:

My husband and I have been trying to have a baby for six and a half years. Coupled with endometriosis, infertility and miscarriages, we have yet to have a child.

Fertile people just don't get it. They say the most ignorant things. These are called platitudes. Statements that they make that are meant to make me feel better, but only makes them feel better and me feel worse. A platitude I often get is, "At least you're not infertile. You can get pregnant!"

Okay, great. So it's been six and half years and we still don't have a child to call our own after all this heartache, and you think you make me feel better by reminding me that I have been pregnant and lost those babies?

So this makes me wonder. What am I? If I'm not infertile because I can get pregnant (which ends in miscarriage) and I still don't have a baby after all these years, then what am I?

Alicia
www.yayastuff.blogspot.com

Thank you Alicia. I'm touched and honored that you wanted to post on my blog.

nothing to do with infertility or babies

I'm just going though a period where I feel like I can't say the right thing to anyone. In email, in person, on the phone. What is wrong with me?

I am going thorough some kind of change (no not THAT change). I want my insides to match my outsides.

I had a profoundly traumatic event in my life over 20 years ago that forever changed me. Changed me for the bad, unfortunately. And for some reason, I feel like I'm coming out of it. I'm not sure where I've been. I've been hiding within myself. Maybe it's because I feel we are closer than ever to having the family we've always wanted through adoption, maybe it's because I so look forward to thinking about someone other than myself, focusing on someone other than myself.

It's time for change. I'm not taking crap from anyone any more.

I started seeing a counselor last summer when I hit rockbottom with the infertility stuff. The deepest pit of despair, been there, done that, did not get a t-shirt. My life was over, what's the point of going on and being here if I can't be a mom. I will confess to you that I was so low, I actually thought of driving off a bridge, but I just couldn't do that to my husband. I'd been low before, but I was lower than low this time. I stayed in bed on weekends, hiding from myself.

I went to my NP. She asked me if I had a gun, among other things. No, I didn't have a gun. Had I stopped going to work. No. I'm a realistic depressed person, I knew I had to continue to go to work or I wouldn't get a pay check. duh. Reason wins over even when I'm depressed.

So, my NP sent me to a counselor (therapist, LCSW, whatever you feel comfortable calling them). I was a wreck. Cried the ENTIRE session. I don't know if she could even understand a word eeked out, I don't know if I did eek out any words.... She got the gist, I'm not happy. I want a baby and I'm not happy.

It was between that session and my 2nd session a week later that my life changed.

My aunt, who I'd seen recently for the first time in many years, called and said she didn't realize we had an infertility problem, she'd assumed that we didn't want children! ACK. She works in the maternity ward of a hospital and many young girls come in there complaining of cramps, denying any chance of pregnancy, give birth, sign over their babies and leave. Did my husband and I want a baby?

HELLO?!?!? Do we WANT a baby!

I saw the counselor the next week and she didn't recognize me from the puddle who had been there the week before. I had hope, the depression was lifting.

We'd thought adoption was out of reach financially until then. We have so much infertility debt... a post for another day...

Anyway, back to me changing. So, I started wearing a little make up this week. I feel different. I am beginning to feel human again, after 20 years. My husband will say I've always been human, always been beautiful. But I've never felt that in 20 years. Someone took something from me and it took the hope of adoption to get it back.

I want to be a mom. I want to be a good mom. I will be a mom. I deserve to be a mom. I will be a good mom.

One thing I learned early on from my counselor, two things can lift you out of depression (besides drugs - and that's only temporary):
#1. Hope
#2. Falling in love

I have hope. I even wear hope around my neck :)

Thank you for listening my dear reader.

Maybe this post did have to do with infertility AND babies...