Published on Sunday, January 11, 2009
Last modified on 1/11/2009 at 1:27 am
Natasha Batt is a girl who doesn't like surprises, can't keep a secret and always wants a plan.
She paid close attention during the Billings Clinic Welcome Baby class last month, and during a recent tour of the Family Birth Center she waited until the 25 or so other expectant parents cleared out to ask more specific questions: How do I keep from lactating? Are the rooms soundproof? Does every room have a Jacuzzi tub? Where is the waiting room?
Then, Natasha took another loop around the center, visiting the birthing suite a second time, fingering the stark white linens on the bed and peeking into the bathroom. She also took another look at the Anne Milliken suite, the place the adoptive parents will stay with the baby.
Natasha, 17, decided to place her baby for adoption last summer, a few weeks after she learned that she was pregnant. She found a couple in Wyoming who are ready for a son, and the baby's father, a boyfriend who left Natasha before she found out she was pregnant, has agreed to the adoption.
Now, seven months after discovering she was pregnant and with her due date three weeks away, everything in Natasha's life has changed.
Natasha has no regrets or resentments.
Amid morning sickness, weight gain and an exhausting work and school schedule, she accepts the changes, dwelling on the positive.
She's more determined to go to college and face life's challenges - including motherhood when the time is right. She has learned the difference between true friendship and passing high school alliances. She is working harder than ever, juggling schoolwork and an almost-full-time schedule at Target on the West End. This past quarter, she got all A's and saved enough money to visit a friend in Denver during Thanksgiving. And she has found the greatest support in her mother, Liz Freeman, who also placed a baby for adoption when she was a teenager.
'If it happens, it happens.' The changes in Natasha's body have been accompanied by some changes in her thinking, especially about pregnancy.
Before, Natasha associated pregnancy and motherhood with such emotions as joy, hope and excitement. But she felt none of that when she looked down at a positive pregnancy test in the bathroom of her parents' house last July.
"I expected to smile when I saw that," Natasha said. "That's what you want to feel."
Instead, she was terrified. Her knees buckled, and she broke down bawling, ran to her mother's room and delivered the news by handing her the test stick.
Every idyllic notion she had of motherhood dissolved in her tears.
Natasha was taking birth control, but not because she considered the prospect of pregnancy devastating. While it's certainly a life-changing event, Natasha had seen other pregnant girls, and it didn't seem so bad.
"I didn't want to be pregnant, but I was like, 'If it happens, it happens,' " she said.
It's an unspoken belief among teenage girls, she said. Most girls she knows have the same come-what-may attitude about motherhood. They don't want to admit it because they know adults would be shocked, she said.
"Then, when you are going through it and you see the way that you used to think, it's embarrassing. God, is it embarrassing," she said.
Natasha knew that having a baby would seriously change the course of her life. Whenever she would think "if it happens, it happens" she would try to tell herself that such thinking would get her into trouble, would get her pregnant.
"I was like, 'Don't think that, don't think that,' but you can't help it," Natasha said.
No honesty out there
Natasha's voice rises and her hands ball up in fists when she talks about a child development class at Huntley Project High. It requires students to take an electronic doll home, and at regular intervals, the doll makes a noise indicating that it's time for a diaper change or a bottle."You get to take home this cute little computer baby that comes with a diaper, comes with a bottle, comes with, you know, everything," Natasha said.
Natasha opens up her hand where she wrote in ball point pen something she wanted to remember for the interview - the cost of a container of baby formula at the store where she works. A 25.7-ounce can of baby formula is $25, she announced.
"Who knows that?" she said. "How much do these students have to buy to take care of this baby? Nothing! ... As far as I'm concerned, you should have to pay to take the baby, because everybody thinks it's a joke to take this baby, and the baby is a joke."
Natasha is one of four girls who have been pregnant in the past three years at Huntley Project High School. She wants her pregnancy to be a reality check for other teenagers, and when they ask how it feels, she is honest. She wants them to ask questions. After all, she was once curious about pregnancy.
"If I could have just went up and asked someone - if only I could have saw what I'm going through," she said. "I'm letting the reality come out of me, I'll tell you what."
The reality is morning sickness all day, hormone surges, weight gain, constant fatigue and working nearly full time to pay for food and clothes. She feels like everyone looks at her differently. She has missed out on activities and found little support among her peers.
"There's no honesty out there," Natasha said, glancing to the ceiling to keep tears from running down her face.
Why not celebrate?
On one of the coldest, snowiest days in December, Natasha's family hosted a Gift of Life Party at their home in Ballantine. Winds howled and snow drifted around the cars parked outside the old truck stop that the family has made into a home. Inside, the mostly teenage crowd took turns sampling baby food, trying to guess what was in the tiny unmarked jars and attempting to guess Natasha's girth.The games were typical of a baby shower, but honoring Natasha's decision to place her baby for adoption was the focus of the party.
From Liz's point of view, every culture marks major life changes, including milestone birthdays, engagements, marriages and sometimes divorce and break-ups. So why not a decision to place a baby for adoption?
Natasha's friends asked her questions about the baby's parents, what it feels like when the baby kicks and what she's going to do after he is born. They gave her gifts, and sentimental cards triggered tears among the girls. With their cell phones, they snapped photos of Natasha modeling the new pink robe and slippers they gave her.
Natasha's relationships with classmates began to change almost immediately after school started in September. They approach her differently now, Natasha said.
"They ask me how I'm doing, and I wonder are they asking me how I am doing or how I am doing pregnant," she said.
Friends who have shown true concern have stayed in her circle.
A birth plan
Natasha knows what to expect, and she has a plan for when the baby comes.The only people allowed in the room during delivery will be the doctor, the nurses, her sister Katherine, Liz and Jeff Hagel, Liz's fiancé and the father figure for her children. When Natasha is ready and the baby has been examined and bathed, a few visitors, including the baby's adoptive parents, can come in to see her and the baby. Then, she wants time to be alone with the baby - as long as she needs.
"I'm going to be a mess, a medieval mess," she said. "It's so hard to explain being pregnant. You just cry - for no reason you just cry."
She will have plenty of reasons to cry when the baby is born. Relief, loss, joy, exhaustion - Natasha has no idea what she will be feeling.
Natasha can be discharged after 48 hours, and then her plan is two-fold: distraction and avoidance.
How much time she can take off from school will depend on when the baby is born. Semester tests are coming up, and she will need to take them regardless of when the baby is born, but she hopes to have two weeks to spend with her stepsister, who plans to come to Billings from Denver when the baby is born. They'll shop, get their hair done and eat out. At about that time, Natasha will turn 18, and she plans to celebrate. Then, it's back to school and work, and the start of a diet-and-exercise routine so she's ready for a red prom dress this spring.
Natasha and the adoptive parents will sign custody documents 72 hours after the baby is born - the soonest allowed by law. And, as part of her plan for avoidance, Natasha doesn't want to see the baby or hear from the parents for at least a year, and possibly longer. It's not that she doesn't want contact with the baby and his family; she just wants some time to move on.
"I want to go back to being me," she said.
Contact Laura Tode at ltode@billingsgazette.com.
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