Sunday, May 31, 2009

Silent Sorority

Haven't read it, but thought some of my readers might wanna check it out. I'll let you know if I read it, you let me know if you've read it! But right now I'm trying "non research" reading ;)



Silent Sorority
A (Barren) Woman Gets Busy, Angry, Lost and Found
by Pamela Mahoney Tsigdinos
About the Book
What happens when a couple can't conceive after years of trying? What awaits two people who want to be parents, as they move away from the fertility treatment/adoption/mommy-and-daddy track? With humor, poignancy, and grace, Silent Sorority sheds light on the lasting impact infertility has on relationships, identity, and planning for the future. Pamela reveals what it's like to be a “non-mom” in an era dominated by Mom's Clubs and helicopter parents. Along the way, she discovers a welcoming sisterhood whose nurturing fellowship provide the foundation for a rebirth. This is the story of how a (barren) woman gets busy, angry, lost and found.

Friday, May 29, 2009

i hope someone understands

It's not about infertility or adoption, it's a book, just for reading. I haven't read a book in years. I've been doing research reading for the past nine years. I couldn't even tell you the last book I read that was not about infertility or adoption.

I am reading “My Sister’s Keeper” by Jodi Picoult, maybe you've heard of it or seen that it's being made into a movie, anyway...

I just read this:

For every person who gets,
there’s someone who must give.



That is kind of how I feel about adoption, our adoption. For us to have a child, someone must give one. And there is a certain sadness in that, for me.

I hope someone will understand.

Thursday, May 28, 2009

it's my blog and i'll cry if i want to

Ok, I need to get this off my chest and I obviously cannot do it on my "A Family is Born" blog because that's my censored blog.

I am having a very difficult time. We are waiting to adopt. We have been waiting to be parents for just shy of NINE years.

Some people keep telling me adoption is not about me, it's all about the child. Adoption is not for me, it's for the child.

Hello?

Adoption would not be possible without adoptive parents, the people who want to have a child, be a parent.

There is a reason they call it the adoption triad: 1. the birth mom, 2. the baby or child and 3. the adoptive parents.

This is just really frustrating me, mostly on Twitter where I occasionally get slammed for wishing my wait was not so long. What is wrong with that? May I ask?

I just want to be a mom! Why are there people out there trying to make me feel guilty about that?

I do not mean to offend anyone, anywhere. I have tried very hard to learn about and understand the other side of adoption: the women who make a plan for their children, and the children who end up in foster care. I think some should try to learn about and understand more about those who choose to adopt.

Ok, thank you for letting me vent.
I hope someone understands.

Sunday, May 24, 2009

can't get it outta my head!

First comes love
Then comes marriage
Then comes an empty baby carriage?

Monday, May 18, 2009

Infertility and IVF: A Womb with a View

from Williamsburg Yorktown Daily:

Infertility and IVF: A Womb with a View
Dr. John Janousek, M.D.

Friday, May 15, 2009

Capri by Colbie Calillat

She's got a baby inside
And holds her belly tight
All through the night
Just so she knows
She's sleeping so
Safely to keep
Her growing

Oh when she'll open her eyes
There'll be no surprise
She'll grow to be
so beautifully
just like her mother
that's carrying

Oh Capri
She's beauty
Baby inside She's loving
Oh Capri
She's Beauty
there is an angel growing peacefully
Oh Capri
Sweet Baby

Things will be hard at times
But I've learned to try
just listening
patiently

Oh Capri
Sweet Baby
Oh Capri
She's Beauty
Baby inside she's loving
Oh Capri
you're beauty
Just like your mother
that's carrying

oh Capri

Thursday, May 14, 2009

oh and

We are being considered as APs for two brothers, age 3 and 4.5

Here we go again. I tolja it was a roller coaster ride!

Third time's the charm?

Cross E V E R Y T H I N G !

sitting on the potty this morning

(It's where I do some of my best thinking.)

It dawned on me that I've let go of the hope of having a biological child. Don't despair dear reader, this is NOT a bad thing.

It's all good. I'm at peace.

I don't know when it happened, all I can tell you is that it's happened.

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

the Biggest Loser

I feel like Tara on the Biggest Loser (2009 season): take what you can from me, learn from me.
Of course I'm talking about infertility and adoption :)

infertility journey vs. adoption journey

I hadn't realized how similar my adoption journey would be to my infertility journey.

With infertility we thought for years our problem was getting pregnant. We overcame that only to learn I'd have a problem staying pregnant. Three miscarriages.

We made the decision to adopt after my bout of severe depression due to feeling less than human because I cannot have children. I don't know anyone else like me (in real life). Everyone I know who's wanted children, had them.

We completed our home study in record time. I don't think either of us realized how agonizing waiting to be matched with a birthmom or child would be. Waiting, waiting and more waiting.

Both journeys are roller coasters. Life had prepared me for neither. I assumed from a very young age I'd get married and have babies, like anyone else. It didn't happen.

Where is my child.
Where is my heart.

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

eharmony for adoption

Sometimes I wish there was an eharmony.com for adoption. Birth moms could enter what they are hoping for in adoptive parents and adoptive parents could enter what they are hoping for in a baby/child. And BOOM, here are your matches. Of course this service would be FREE to all involved because it's not about the money, it's about the kids.

is there such a thing as "too sensitive?"

I got so attached to the 3 kids in a matter of days, I already thought of my iPod as the kid's iPod and of dishes and glasses as broken, I saw car seats in the back of my Jeep and bunk beds in the office...

How do I take this journey and not open my heart to each opportunity. One thing I've learned from Lucinda Bassett is that I have a certain personality (yes prone to anxiety) but also I am sensitive, creative, analytical among other things. Sensitive, it's normal to be sensitive. Usually I hear "too" in front of sensitive as in "You are too sensitive."

I am learning that there is nothing wrong with being sensitive. It is part of who I am.

I will continue to get attached to each child that comes our way. And when they don't become part of our family I will be broken hearted. But now that I've learned this about myself, I am working on over coming it.

I am already looking ahead to the next possibility of a child. One situation will be perfect. I'm starting to think that adoption is kinda like falling in love. You have to kiss a few frogs before you meet your prince or princess.

Our prince and/or princess is out there, I just hope they find us soon!

while I wait

Ok, yes, much like infertility, adoption IS a roller coaster. So while I wait I've decided to try to accomplish a few things while I still have "me time."

  1. Joined WeightWatchers - lose weight so I can improve my health and be around longer for my kids.
  2. Start using ProActive - my dear friend Angie turned me on to this stuff (she gave me hers to try - what a great friend!). I have PCOS which causes me to be overweight and have acne, maybe I can get both under control before I'm a mom so I won't be an embarrassment to my kids.
  3. Recovering from Anxiety & Depression - I've been seeing a LCSW since last summer when I had my bout with "severe depression" and she turned me on to Lucinda Bassett and her stress and anxiety program. I am 10 weeks in to the 15-week program and I must say I'm feeling like a new woman. Less anxiety, pretty much no depression except for a few moments yesterday when the kids were returned to an abusive mother.
  4. Continue to help educate others about infertility and adoption.
If you can think of anything else I can do with my time (besides work full-time + and freelance and blog) please feel free to chime in! I'm open to suggestions

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

infertility revisited

Ok, so my BFF Ang... (we met while both having IUI, her's was successful and she had a BEAUTIFUL 2 year old). Anyway, people have started asking when are they gonna have another??!!

Hello? This is giving us total infertility I flashbacks, you know, when everyone asks:
  1. why don't you get drunk?
  2. why don't you relax?
  3. why don't you go on vacation?
  4. why don't you "just" adopt?
  5. why are you trying to hard?...
I could go on...

Seems there is a phase two:
  1. when are you going to have another one?

Good grief people. Try to understand infertility and what Ang when through to have ONE child. It wasn't a party. She feels happy and blessed with one. Why don't some people get that?

Maybe it's just human nature and we are being too hard on people. I don't know, but I wanted to vent on Angie's behalf :) isn't that what best friends are for?

Love ya Ang!

final on 3 siblings

This morning, tired of waiting, I called the kid's social worker directly to ask if we were even being considered as a family for the three kids, or even for the twins if abusive foster/adopt mom got custody of the 6 yo.

She said yes, we were one of three families being considered. And in fact the case was in court and her supervisor was there. She'd call me when she knew something.

30 minutes later she called me back, crying, to say the judge has returned ALL THEE to the custody of the abusive foster/adopt mom.

I'm frustrated, and broken hearted, broken hearted for those kids, being sent back into a bad situation. Who would do that? Yes, sad for us too, but more so for the kids.

We will continue to search, our kids are out there somewhere.

I am just so sensitive, too sensitive, I get SO hopeful and then "BAM" in the gut. I feel as if I've had another miscarriage today. It's a sad sad day for 3 little people and 2 big ones.

Saturday, May 2, 2009

update on 3 siblings

Thursday our SW called to say that the foster mom who bit the 4-year-old girl is fighting to keep the 6-year=old boy. Seems she never wanted the little girl and so she has been neglected for the past 15 months or so.

Birth parent's parental rights were given up at the birth of the twins. Haven't learned why yet.

The last foster mom is single and was in a foster to adopt situation. Our SW says because of this she has very little legal rights, if any.

So, the case will have to go to court. The kids will remain in temporary foster care until the court case is settled. Our SW says the kid's SW may start to interview families in the mean time. But now there is no way of knowing how long it could all take.

I will try to keep you posted, but SW said we shouldn't expect to hear anything for the next week or so.

I've looked in to pre-school for the twins (did I already say that in my previous post??) and the 6-year-old can go to my parent's house after school until school is out in June. Then I would probably take some of my "maternity leave" spread it out.

Our SW has not said anything about us needing to take classes, just an interview/home visit from the kid's SW at some point.

There are other families being considered, but we don't know how many.

How on earth does one keep from getting involved (emotionally) in each opportunity that comes our way.

To be successful you must accept all challenges that come your way. You can't just accept the ones you like. —Johan Bruyneel (Lance Armstrong's trainer and friend, via Twitter today)

I will keep you posted. Thanks for the kind thoughts and support!