Thursday, September 17, 2009

September 17, 2009

today I became a survivor of rape, not a victim.
today I became a survivor of infertility, not a victim.

it was just a matter of changing my mind. who knew.

today is a wonderful day.

Saturday, September 12, 2009

you don't wanna hear it

I'm having a very bad time.

Life is so not fair.

I am overwhelmed.

Twenty-two years ago next month, I was raped and beaten. This is a trauma and tragedy that should never happen to a human being. It is something I've lived with for 22 years. I told my husband before we got married because I thought he might not want me. But he did. Last month we celebrated 13 years of marriage.

For ten of those 13 years, we've been trying to have a baby, naturally, with infertility treatment and now through adoption. I have had three miscarriages. Infertility and miscarriages are more trauma and tragedy that no one human being should have to endure.

Am I wrong to think I've had my share?

A dear friend recently told me bad things happen to good people. It's as simple as that.

Is it?

I cannot get past either trauma. I am in counseling for both. I have good days and bad.

I feel like I'm being punished. I know, I know, I'm not, but that how it FEELS. And punished by who anyway.

Why am I here?

Isn't having a child part of the circle of life? My circle is broken. You are not supposed to be 44 and childless!

This is my life, day in and day out. Where is my child, why me.

I've told my husband over and over he can leave me, because this is not the life he wanted, not what he signed up for. He's wanted children since we got married. His love for his niece is one of the things that attracted me to him. Oh the irony.

I'm broken, in so many ways. I'm broken hearted.

I wait. I just wait. That's all I do. It's no life for anyone.

I've tried to live a good life and contribute. What did I do to deserve this life? When is it gonna be my turn? Is it all about luck?

How do I turn the corner? how do I overcome what has happened to me?

I wake up and wonder where is my child.
I drive to work and wonder where is my child.
I work and wonder where is my child.
I drive home and wonder where is my child.
I take a shower and wonder where is my child.
I cook dinner and wonder where is my child.
I pay bills and wonder where is my child.
I brush my teeth and wonder where is my child.
I fall asleep wondering where is my child.

Who am I if not someone's mom. It's just not natural.

Sometimes I wonder how I will go on.