44 and without child

The natural progression of things is to get married and have kids. Usually one is in their 20s or 30s when this happens.

In doing so, one's focus turns from one's self to one's child or children.

I am 44, and still without child.

My focus should have turned from myself to my child many years ago. I'm not normal. I have nothing to focus on but my self and my husband and our marriage and the fact that we are without child. This is not normal at 44. I should have been focusing on my child for the past 10 years or so. I've gone way past the sell-by date. I've just figured this out. And it explains a lot of things about me. And it's forced me to wonder what will motherhood be like for me, should I ever be blessed with a child.

My grandma was this age when I was born.

How will we save for retirement when our child is going to college when we are 60-something. Will I EVER retire? And the longer this goes on, my life without child, the more I want to be a stay at home mom, but infertility treatment (that DIDN'T even work) will prevent that. We took out a second on the house to pay for non-insured, unsuccessful infertility treatment and will be paying for that for years to come. An additional car payment with nothing to show for it.

We still live like college students, because every extra penny has gone into TRYING to have a family. We've skipped years of holidays to try to have a family. I'm starting to realize all the things we've missed while waiting to have a family.

And what am I expecting - when I do have a child and a family. I do not expect it to be perfect and to be visited by the bluebird of happiness on a daily basis. I'm pretty sure our child won't be healthy, at this point, that just seems like too much to ask for. So I've been preparing myself for this child, the child that is not perfect, not that any are, maybe I should say the child that is not healthy? 10 fingers, 10 toes. What every pregnant mom dreams of. How come I feel like I'm not allowed to dream of that too?

Again, I feel like I'm being punished. But I have no idea what I did wrong. Lucinda Bassett would say this is "magical thinking." Usually people use magical thinking to think of good things happening to good people because they are good. But I just keep asking what I did wrong, where did I make the wrong turn. How did I get here, 44 and without child.

We started TTC when I was 34, 10 years ago. Never in a million years did I imagine I'd end up here, 44 and without child.

No one should end up 44 and without child.

I'm beyond ready for my focus to change from me to my child. And that worries me too. Will my child be a spoiled rotten brat?!?!? Oh I hope not. I just want to raise a good little person who will contribute to the greater good. That is what I have tried to do, all these years, I've tried to contribute to the greater good. So why this punishment. Why why why.

Why why why, 44 and without child.

5 or 10

I feel like we've been waiting F O R E V E R to adopt. I count from the day we decided to adopt last July.

Our social worker says we can only count from the date our home study was finalized because prior to that we were not eligible to adopt. phooey!

Not to mention the 8 plus years before that when we were TTC.

It just has been F O R E V E R and I'm SO ready to be a mom. WHERE IS MY CHILD?!?!?

(some days I just GOTTA let it out...)

Whose Mother Am I

I started this post on my A Family is Born blog while intended it for this blog. *sigh* such is life. I still haven't written it yet but when I do it will be here not there.

Maybe Baby

Looking for a book called "Waiting for Daisy: A Tale of Two Continents, Three Religions, Five Infertility Doctors, an Oscar, an Atomic Bomb, a Romantic Night, and One Woman's Quest to Become a Mother" (deep breath)


I came across this one: "Maybe Baby : 28 Writers Tell the Truth about Skepticism, Infertility, Baby Lust, Childlessness, Ambivalence, and how They Made the Biggest Decision of Their Lives"

Has anyone read either? I physically went to Barnes and Noble AND Borders and NEITHER had "Waiting for Daisy" good grief! I did end up buying this


"Someone Else's Daughter" I'll report back on this one.
6.24.09 update: not liking this one, didn't realize it was a "thriller" . . . put it down...

9 years?

NINE YEARS!

Where did it go? I'm just realizing (after recovering from an 8+ year anxiety/depression stuper) that we've lost 9 years of our lives waiting for our child.

The only real vacation we've had in that time is a trip to England to visit my inlaws. Now we are panicking thinking we may never have the chance to go on a relaxing vacation together, just us two.

For years we lived month to month waiting for a pregnancy, and waiting for a pregnancy to last.

Waiting takes a lot of time and energy, so much else, that I'm just realizing I haven't done anything for nine years but work and wait. This is not good for anyone's sanity, no wonder I ended up with severe anxiety and depression.

We were told one to two years to adopt, and our one year is almost up, I think that's why I'm panicking. Because I'm feeling we MUST be closer to having a child and being a family. And then yes, everything will be about the child. So right now, we feel like we need to do stuff for us, if that makes any sense at all.

So right now we are like, where could we go for just four days. We looked at a place 2 hours away and it was gonna be $1000 for TWO NIGHTS, yes, THREE zeros. So then we were like, what about an all-inclusive place, just get away and relax. Those are just WAY out of our price range.

Then I'm like what are we thinking. We could have to go across the country more than once to meet a child before we adopt, we can't go anywhere.

So here we are, life on hold.

Anyone else have this problem? How did/do you deal?

think before you speak

When people hear we are waiting to adopt, the reactions vary. But, quite often I get a little mini-lecture on why I don't want a girl or why I don't want a boy. What in the world?!?! People please, do you really not recognize the blessing that each and every child is? O M G !

I do occasionally get the mini-lecture on why I do want a girl or boy, but these are rare.

Then there is the ever-present "you can have mine" response, to which I always answer "OK!" This REALLY catches people off guard.

But why why why do people feel the need to tell me why I don't want children, would they do that to a pregnant woman? I think not.

the bitching post

Alrighty then, I contacted our social worker yesterday to find out the status of the 12 kids I have identified. I was prompted to do so because I received an email from one of the kid's social workers saying that they were no longer accepting home studies. Hmmmm. Our home study was supposed to have been sent weeks ago.

As, I said I emailed our social to inquire about the status. In the mean time I called the above mentioned social worker to see if she'd received our home study. She had not.

I called another child's social worker, same thing, she had not received our home study report and they we not longer taking home study reports.

WTF!

So, I email our social worker again (emailing because I'm at work and should probably be working). She proceeds to tell me that I've sent her so many emails she hasn't been able to keep up. I remind her that she said that 2 weeks ago so I sent her my spreadsheet that lists the kids names, ages, states, any contact info. I also asked her if she needed anything from me.

No reply.

So yesterday she says maybe we should have a plan. Um, you are a social worker, haven't you done this before? This is my first adoption!

So she admits that she hasn't been sending out home studies for all the kids I've identified. aaarrrrggggggg!

She says she "may have lost track."

We cannot change social workers because that means we'd have to do another home study - back to square one.

I want to cry.

not our kids

Found out today that our social worker has not been sending our home study report out as we've requested. 9 of 12 kids have been adopted, and we weren't even considered because the kid's social workers never received our home study.

I'm beyond frustrated. We cannot switch social workers because that would mean a new home study and another $3,000.

I thought I was being thorough. I have a spreadsheet (yes, I'm THAT kind of girl) with all the kids, their ages, states, date I inquired and date I signed a release for our social worker to send our home study report. Sent our social worker a copy of t

sadly, no grant for us

The couples who were awarded adoption grants from helpusadopt.org were announced today. Unfortunately we are not one of them. There were 300 applications, requesting a total of over $3 million.

I guess there are a lot of couples who need the grant more than us.

We will continue to search for our child, and find a way to make it all work out.

We cannot apply for the same grant again until next April.