I've just posted 4 posts about Natasha and her story. Again, part of my quest to understand the other side of adoption, the birth mom's side. And I wanted to share it with you. I've also posted it on my "unplanned pregnancy" blog hoping it will help some birth mom's struggling with their plans for their unborn baby. But I thought some of you would like to read about Natasha as well. Watch the video last. Or at least watch the video if you don't read the other three posts.
A cyber friend sent me the link to the video. I wanted to know more, so I researched and found Natasha's entire story. My friend, like me, is waiting to be chosen.
P.S. Get the tissues ready.
Monday, March 30, 2009
#3 of 4 - Natasha's Story: The end and a beginning
Huntley teen delivers baby boy, says goodbye
by Laura Tode of the Gazette Staff
by Laura Tode of the Gazette Staff
For months, Natasha Batt put life on hold, dodged prying questions and endured being the target of gossip. When the day the 17-year-old once thought would never come finally arrived, it dawned with contractions - five minutes apart.
By noon, she was at the center of an anxious audience of family and friends, including her baby's adoptive parents, Daniel and Tristan Escoz.
"It hurts, Mom. It hurts," Natasha whispered.
Mother and daughter sat on a hospital bed in a Billings Clinic delivery room. Natasha shook as a contraction tightened its grip. The papery cotton gown around her shoulders fluttered. With both hands, she held the plastic bed rail.
Liz Freeman held her daughter's face in her hands. With her thumb, she wiped a tear from her daughter's cheek as one rolled down her own.
As her body dragged her into the rhythm of labor, Natasha knew that every contraction was bringing her closer to relief, to freedom, to life back to normal. Still, she did not feel ready.
"Another one already?" she whimpered, throwing her head back on her pillow.
Her toes curled, and she made a fist around her mother's hand.
"It's what I expected, but not how I imagined it," she said between contractions.
Throughout the pregnancy, Liz asked Natasha, "Why are you doing this?" to be sure Natasha was always considering her decision to place her baby for adoption. Every time, Natasha came back with one answer: "He deserves more."
Natasha, a senior at Huntley Project High, found out she was pregnant in July, and about a month later was introduced to Daniel and Tristan, distant family friends from Buffalo, Wyo. The baby's father, who left Natasha before she discovered she was pregnant, has consented to the adoption.
Natasha's resolve was sharpened by labor pains, and as expected, the contractions grew in frequency and intensity.
"Please, not again, don't do it again," Natasha mumbled as a contraction approached.
"Look at me. Focus. You can get through it. Focus," Liz said.
Midway through labor, Natasha accepted pain medication to take the edge off the contractions. She refused an epidural, which would have blocked the pain when labor was worst. She wanted to be alert when the baby was born. The time she would have with him would be short, and she wanted to remember it clearly.
"Tristan, I'm ready to see this little guy, are you?" Natasha said between contractions.
"Oh, I am, I am," Tristan said. "I wish I could take some of your pain, sweetie."
After the next, excruciating contraction, the nurse called for the doctor. Natasha was getting close to delivery. When the doctor came in, the crowd filed out the door and into the hall. Daniel, Tristan and several of Natasha's friends stared at the door, listening.
At little more than 5 feet tall, Tristan is talkative and as spunky as her messy, short hair style.
Daniel, a lanky 6 feet tall, is mostly quiet, but when he speaks, it's a joke, teasing but tender. A love of hard work shows on his dusty cowboy hat and leathery hands.
Lifelong Wyoming residents, Daniel and Tristan come from tight-knit families and ranching backgrounds. Tristan works for her parents as a manager at their liquor store and bar in Buffalo. As a hobby more than a profession, Daniel tends a small ranch the couple own.
Natasha's baby will be Tristan's parents' first grandchild, and the seventh - but no less celebrated - grandchild of Daniel's parents.
When it came time to choose a name, Daniel suggested Alberto, a strong, Basque name. He knew it wouldn't fly with Tristan, and it became a lighthearted point of contention between husband and wife. They shared it with Natasha, who saw the humor in it but needed a name. She called her baby "Little Al" ever since.
Daniel and Tristan finally settled on the name Tayden. His middle name, Pierre, is a tribute to Daniel's Basque heritage.
Welcome, son
At 5:56 p.m. on Jan. 21, Tayden Pierre was born, weighing 6 pounds, 14 ounces and stretching 19 inches long."Little Al is in the world," Natasha's friend Molly Ekness, 17, announced to a friend on her cell phone.
Natasha shuddered from shock and exhaustion. Her face and shoulders were sprinkled with tiny red dots - capillaries broken while pushing.
She looked down, patted her empty belly and said, "Next, a red prom dress."
The longest wait
Tristan and Daniel stood outside the door as their newborn son took his first breath and cried. He wailed as the doctor and nurses examined and bathed him.Tristan held Daniel's waist, dabbing the tears welling behind her glasses. For all the time they had spent hoping for a child, the longest wait was the few minutes they stood outside the door listening to their baby cry.
When the door finally opened, Tristan and Daniel kept their emotions in check. Inside, Natasha, a girl they had come to know so well, held the son they plan to love forever. His face was hidden inside a puffy, quilted wrap.
The new parents floated through the doorway. Tristan leaned down, holding Natasha around the shoulders, sobbing.
"I love you, I love you. There isn't enough words to say what you mean to us," Tristan said.
Respectful of Natasha, Tristan didn't hold out her arms until the baby was passed to her. Daniel was silent, watching with a smile.
Without a word, Natasha presented her son to his mother.
Natasha closed her eyes, serenely tipped her head back on the pillow and smiled, then rolled her head over to exchange smiles with Tristan. It was the single moment Natasha had dreamed about for months, the moment she focused on whenever she faced criticism or questioned her decision.
Tristan finally was holding her baby boy.
Adoption's risk
From the start of their relationship, Tristan and Daniel knew they wanted to be parents. Adoption entered their conversation in June, after fertility treatments were unsuccessful. Daniel has multiple sclerosis, which presents the possibility that his children could be at an increased risk of developing the disease, so that factored into their decision, too.They met Natasha in September and have spent the past five months preparing for parenthood. They filled out reams of paperwork, went through background checks and home studies and had friends submit letters of recommendation. Tristan got a good deal on a secondhand crib and changing table, and they painted the nursery in simple pastels.
But Tristan opted not to have a baby shower, buying only a few basics for the baby. She didn't want to "jinx herself," she said, in case Natasha changed her mind.
In Montana, adoptions cannot be finalized until at least 72 hours after the baby's birth, and during that time, birth mothers have been known to change their minds. The more Tristan and Daniel got to know Natasha, the more confidence they had in her decision, but they were mindful that a change of heart was possible.
"You're all prepared for this little thing to come into your life, and you think here I am all ready and what if she changes her mind?" Tristan said.
Monday, Natasha signed over her parental rights, completing her part of the adoption. Natasha said she didn't want contact from Tristan or Daniel for four years, and after that, it would be up to Tristan to decide when Tayden was ready to meet his birth mother.
Her biggest moment
Natasha was cleared to leave 24 hours after the birth, but the baby had to stay in the hospital two days. Liz spent the first night in Natasha's room to take care of the baby while her daughter slept, and arrangements were made to provide a room for Daniel and Tristan to stay with the baby on the second night so Natasha could go home.Before she left, Natasha wanted time alone with the baby.
"I get a whole lifetime with him, and she gets only this short precious time with him," Tristan said as she sat in the waiting area with Daniel and Natasha's family.
In the dark room, Natasha held her baby and rocked. Through tears, she looked into his face. He was everything she ever pictured he would be - tiny, familiar and perfect. He smiled in his sleep, and a feeling of relief washed over Natasha.
"This little boy, without doing anything, did so much for me," she said. "I'm going to miss his biggest moments - his first words, when he walks, rides his horse - but he was my biggest moment without having to do anything. He made me grow up."
Snow fell outside, and in the window light, Natasha penciled a note on a small piece of paper.
Thank you Tristan and Daniel for being the perfect family by not being perfect and most of all thank you Tayden for being my Little Al.
She slipped it into the bassinet. She kissed him on the forehead, gently laid him down and fell into her mother's arms. Liz wrapped her arm around her daughter's waist and supported her as they walked down the empty hall. A nurse, her cheeks wet with tears, followed them, pushing the baby bassinet to Tristan and Daniel's room.
Natasha did not look back.
Contact Laura Tode at ltode@billingsgazette.com.
#2 of 4 - Pregnancy teaches teen hard lessons
by Laura Tode of The Gazette Staff
Published on Sunday, January 11, 2009
Last modified on 1/11/2009 at 1:27 am
Natasha Batt is a girl who doesn't like surprises, can't keep a secret and always wants a plan.
She paid close attention during the Billings Clinic Welcome Baby class last month, and during a recent tour of the Family Birth Center she waited until the 25 or so other expectant parents cleared out to ask more specific questions: How do I keep from lactating? Are the rooms soundproof? Does every room have a Jacuzzi tub? Where is the waiting room?
Then, Natasha took another loop around the center, visiting the birthing suite a second time, fingering the stark white linens on the bed and peeking into the bathroom. She also took another look at the Anne Milliken suite, the place the adoptive parents will stay with the baby.
Natasha, 17, decided to place her baby for adoption last summer, a few weeks after she learned that she was pregnant. She found a couple in Wyoming who are ready for a son, and the baby's father, a boyfriend who left Natasha before she found out she was pregnant, has agreed to the adoption.
Now, seven months after discovering she was pregnant and with her due date three weeks away, everything in Natasha's life has changed.
Natasha has no regrets or resentments.
Amid morning sickness, weight gain and an exhausting work and school schedule, she accepts the changes, dwelling on the positive.
She's more determined to go to college and face life's challenges - including motherhood when the time is right. She has learned the difference between true friendship and passing high school alliances. She is working harder than ever, juggling schoolwork and an almost-full-time schedule at Target on the West End. This past quarter, she got all A's and saved enough money to visit a friend in Denver during Thanksgiving. And she has found the greatest support in her mother, Liz Freeman, who also placed a baby for adoption when she was a teenager.
'If it happens, it happens.' The changes in Natasha's body have been accompanied by some changes in her thinking, especially about pregnancy.
Before, Natasha associated pregnancy and motherhood with such emotions as joy, hope and excitement. But she felt none of that when she looked down at a positive pregnancy test in the bathroom of her parents' house last July.
"I expected to smile when I saw that," Natasha said. "That's what you want to feel."
Instead, she was terrified. Her knees buckled, and she broke down bawling, ran to her mother's room and delivered the news by handing her the test stick.
Every idyllic notion she had of motherhood dissolved in her tears.
Natasha was taking birth control, but not because she considered the prospect of pregnancy devastating. While it's certainly a life-changing event, Natasha had seen other pregnant girls, and it didn't seem so bad.
"I didn't want to be pregnant, but I was like, 'If it happens, it happens,' " she said.
It's an unspoken belief among teenage girls, she said. Most girls she knows have the same come-what-may attitude about motherhood. They don't want to admit it because they know adults would be shocked, she said.
"Then, when you are going through it and you see the way that you used to think, it's embarrassing. God, is it embarrassing," she said.
Natasha knew that having a baby would seriously change the course of her life. Whenever she would think "if it happens, it happens" she would try to tell herself that such thinking would get her into trouble, would get her pregnant.
"I was like, 'Don't think that, don't think that,' but you can't help it," Natasha said.
"You get to take home this cute little computer baby that comes with a diaper, comes with a bottle, comes with, you know, everything," Natasha said.
Natasha opens up her hand where she wrote in ball point pen something she wanted to remember for the interview - the cost of a container of baby formula at the store where she works. A 25.7-ounce can of baby formula is $25, she announced.
"Who knows that?" she said. "How much do these students have to buy to take care of this baby? Nothing! ... As far as I'm concerned, you should have to pay to take the baby, because everybody thinks it's a joke to take this baby, and the baby is a joke."
Natasha is one of four girls who have been pregnant in the past three years at Huntley Project High School. She wants her pregnancy to be a reality check for other teenagers, and when they ask how it feels, she is honest. She wants them to ask questions. After all, she was once curious about pregnancy.
"If I could have just went up and asked someone - if only I could have saw what I'm going through," she said. "I'm letting the reality come out of me, I'll tell you what."
The reality is morning sickness all day, hormone surges, weight gain, constant fatigue and working nearly full time to pay for food and clothes. She feels like everyone looks at her differently. She has missed out on activities and found little support among her peers.
"There's no honesty out there," Natasha said, glancing to the ceiling to keep tears from running down her face.
The games were typical of a baby shower, but honoring Natasha's decision to place her baby for adoption was the focus of the party.
From Liz's point of view, every culture marks major life changes, including milestone birthdays, engagements, marriages and sometimes divorce and break-ups. So why not a decision to place a baby for adoption?
Natasha's friends asked her questions about the baby's parents, what it feels like when the baby kicks and what she's going to do after he is born. They gave her gifts, and sentimental cards triggered tears among the girls. With their cell phones, they snapped photos of Natasha modeling the new pink robe and slippers they gave her.
Natasha's relationships with classmates began to change almost immediately after school started in September. They approach her differently now, Natasha said.
"They ask me how I'm doing, and I wonder are they asking me how I am doing or how I am doing pregnant," she said.
Friends who have shown true concern have stayed in her circle.
The only people allowed in the room during delivery will be the doctor, the nurses, her sister Katherine, Liz and Jeff Hagel, Liz's fiancé and the father figure for her children. When Natasha is ready and the baby has been examined and bathed, a few visitors, including the baby's adoptive parents, can come in to see her and the baby. Then, she wants time to be alone with the baby - as long as she needs.
"I'm going to be a mess, a medieval mess," she said. "It's so hard to explain being pregnant. You just cry - for no reason you just cry."
She will have plenty of reasons to cry when the baby is born. Relief, loss, joy, exhaustion - Natasha has no idea what she will be feeling.
Natasha can be discharged after 48 hours, and then her plan is two-fold: distraction and avoidance.
How much time she can take off from school will depend on when the baby is born. Semester tests are coming up, and she will need to take them regardless of when the baby is born, but she hopes to have two weeks to spend with her stepsister, who plans to come to Billings from Denver when the baby is born. They'll shop, get their hair done and eat out. At about that time, Natasha will turn 18, and she plans to celebrate. Then, it's back to school and work, and the start of a diet-and-exercise routine so she's ready for a red prom dress this spring.
Natasha and the adoptive parents will sign custody documents 72 hours after the baby is born - the soonest allowed by law. And, as part of her plan for avoidance, Natasha doesn't want to see the baby or hear from the parents for at least a year, and possibly longer. It's not that she doesn't want contact with the baby and his family; she just wants some time to move on.
"I want to go back to being me," she said.
Contact Laura Tode at ltode@billingsgazette.com.
Published on Sunday, January 11, 2009
Last modified on 1/11/2009 at 1:27 am
Natasha Batt is a girl who doesn't like surprises, can't keep a secret and always wants a plan.
She paid close attention during the Billings Clinic Welcome Baby class last month, and during a recent tour of the Family Birth Center she waited until the 25 or so other expectant parents cleared out to ask more specific questions: How do I keep from lactating? Are the rooms soundproof? Does every room have a Jacuzzi tub? Where is the waiting room?
Then, Natasha took another loop around the center, visiting the birthing suite a second time, fingering the stark white linens on the bed and peeking into the bathroom. She also took another look at the Anne Milliken suite, the place the adoptive parents will stay with the baby.
Natasha, 17, decided to place her baby for adoption last summer, a few weeks after she learned that she was pregnant. She found a couple in Wyoming who are ready for a son, and the baby's father, a boyfriend who left Natasha before she found out she was pregnant, has agreed to the adoption.
Now, seven months after discovering she was pregnant and with her due date three weeks away, everything in Natasha's life has changed.
Natasha has no regrets or resentments.
Amid morning sickness, weight gain and an exhausting work and school schedule, she accepts the changes, dwelling on the positive.
She's more determined to go to college and face life's challenges - including motherhood when the time is right. She has learned the difference between true friendship and passing high school alliances. She is working harder than ever, juggling schoolwork and an almost-full-time schedule at Target on the West End. This past quarter, she got all A's and saved enough money to visit a friend in Denver during Thanksgiving. And she has found the greatest support in her mother, Liz Freeman, who also placed a baby for adoption when she was a teenager.
'If it happens, it happens.' The changes in Natasha's body have been accompanied by some changes in her thinking, especially about pregnancy.
Before, Natasha associated pregnancy and motherhood with such emotions as joy, hope and excitement. But she felt none of that when she looked down at a positive pregnancy test in the bathroom of her parents' house last July.
"I expected to smile when I saw that," Natasha said. "That's what you want to feel."
Instead, she was terrified. Her knees buckled, and she broke down bawling, ran to her mother's room and delivered the news by handing her the test stick.
Every idyllic notion she had of motherhood dissolved in her tears.
Natasha was taking birth control, but not because she considered the prospect of pregnancy devastating. While it's certainly a life-changing event, Natasha had seen other pregnant girls, and it didn't seem so bad.
"I didn't want to be pregnant, but I was like, 'If it happens, it happens,' " she said.
It's an unspoken belief among teenage girls, she said. Most girls she knows have the same come-what-may attitude about motherhood. They don't want to admit it because they know adults would be shocked, she said.
"Then, when you are going through it and you see the way that you used to think, it's embarrassing. God, is it embarrassing," she said.
Natasha knew that having a baby would seriously change the course of her life. Whenever she would think "if it happens, it happens" she would try to tell herself that such thinking would get her into trouble, would get her pregnant.
"I was like, 'Don't think that, don't think that,' but you can't help it," Natasha said.
No honesty out there
Natasha's voice rises and her hands ball up in fists when she talks about a child development class at Huntley Project High. It requires students to take an electronic doll home, and at regular intervals, the doll makes a noise indicating that it's time for a diaper change or a bottle."You get to take home this cute little computer baby that comes with a diaper, comes with a bottle, comes with, you know, everything," Natasha said.
Natasha opens up her hand where she wrote in ball point pen something she wanted to remember for the interview - the cost of a container of baby formula at the store where she works. A 25.7-ounce can of baby formula is $25, she announced.
"Who knows that?" she said. "How much do these students have to buy to take care of this baby? Nothing! ... As far as I'm concerned, you should have to pay to take the baby, because everybody thinks it's a joke to take this baby, and the baby is a joke."
Natasha is one of four girls who have been pregnant in the past three years at Huntley Project High School. She wants her pregnancy to be a reality check for other teenagers, and when they ask how it feels, she is honest. She wants them to ask questions. After all, she was once curious about pregnancy.
"If I could have just went up and asked someone - if only I could have saw what I'm going through," she said. "I'm letting the reality come out of me, I'll tell you what."
The reality is morning sickness all day, hormone surges, weight gain, constant fatigue and working nearly full time to pay for food and clothes. She feels like everyone looks at her differently. She has missed out on activities and found little support among her peers.
"There's no honesty out there," Natasha said, glancing to the ceiling to keep tears from running down her face.
Why not celebrate?
On one of the coldest, snowiest days in December, Natasha's family hosted a Gift of Life Party at their home in Ballantine. Winds howled and snow drifted around the cars parked outside the old truck stop that the family has made into a home. Inside, the mostly teenage crowd took turns sampling baby food, trying to guess what was in the tiny unmarked jars and attempting to guess Natasha's girth.The games were typical of a baby shower, but honoring Natasha's decision to place her baby for adoption was the focus of the party.
From Liz's point of view, every culture marks major life changes, including milestone birthdays, engagements, marriages and sometimes divorce and break-ups. So why not a decision to place a baby for adoption?
Natasha's friends asked her questions about the baby's parents, what it feels like when the baby kicks and what she's going to do after he is born. They gave her gifts, and sentimental cards triggered tears among the girls. With their cell phones, they snapped photos of Natasha modeling the new pink robe and slippers they gave her.
Natasha's relationships with classmates began to change almost immediately after school started in September. They approach her differently now, Natasha said.
"They ask me how I'm doing, and I wonder are they asking me how I am doing or how I am doing pregnant," she said.
Friends who have shown true concern have stayed in her circle.
A birth plan
Natasha knows what to expect, and she has a plan for when the baby comes.The only people allowed in the room during delivery will be the doctor, the nurses, her sister Katherine, Liz and Jeff Hagel, Liz's fiancé and the father figure for her children. When Natasha is ready and the baby has been examined and bathed, a few visitors, including the baby's adoptive parents, can come in to see her and the baby. Then, she wants time to be alone with the baby - as long as she needs.
"I'm going to be a mess, a medieval mess," she said. "It's so hard to explain being pregnant. You just cry - for no reason you just cry."
She will have plenty of reasons to cry when the baby is born. Relief, loss, joy, exhaustion - Natasha has no idea what she will be feeling.
Natasha can be discharged after 48 hours, and then her plan is two-fold: distraction and avoidance.
How much time she can take off from school will depend on when the baby is born. Semester tests are coming up, and she will need to take them regardless of when the baby is born, but she hopes to have two weeks to spend with her stepsister, who plans to come to Billings from Denver when the baby is born. They'll shop, get their hair done and eat out. At about that time, Natasha will turn 18, and she plans to celebrate. Then, it's back to school and work, and the start of a diet-and-exercise routine so she's ready for a red prom dress this spring.
Natasha and the adoptive parents will sign custody documents 72 hours after the baby is born - the soonest allowed by law. And, as part of her plan for avoidance, Natasha doesn't want to see the baby or hear from the parents for at least a year, and possibly longer. It's not that she doesn't want contact with the baby and his family; she just wants some time to move on.
"I want to go back to being me," she said.
Contact Laura Tode at ltode@billingsgazette.com.
#1 of 4 - Huntley teen relies on support of family
by Laura Tode of the Gazette Staff
Published on Sunday, December 14, 2008.
Last modified on 12/14/2008 at 12:14 am
In the waiting room at Billings Clinic downtown, Natasha Batt sits in a pink chair with her legs crossed, bouncing her puffy foot in a flip-flop. The appointment is just a routine checkup for her but not for many teenagers.
Natasha, 17, is pregnant and waiting for her fourth prenatal visit. Her black hooded sweatshirt is on her lap in an unconscious effort to cover her rounded belly.
Natasha is a senior at Huntley Project High School and found out she was pregnant in July. With the love and support of family, she made one of the most difficult decisions of her life - a decision that's forced her mother to consider her past again with new perspective.
She wears sweat pants because the idea of buying maternity clothes is too overwhelming. Besides, she's not even used to saying the word "pregnant."
"I find pregnant the word that is the most awkward to say - even right now I hate saying I'm pregnant," she said.
As her belly has grown, she has had to make the announcement less often.
When the nurse calls, Natasha walks down the hall without a glance at the dozen or so bulletin boards covered in snapshots of happy couples, cradling pink- and blue-clad newborns. Someone else will be smiling for a photo with the baby boy growing inside Natasha.
In the doctor's office, the nurse places a microphone on Natasha's belly. The machine hisses and produces a muffled sound like water rushing, lapping against a board. Natasha relaxes, listens awhile and closes her eyes. The baby's OK, and that's all she really wants to know. As the nurse moves the microphone, the heartbeat gets louder, and Natasha smiles.
The doctor asks her if she has any questions. She doesn't, and he hands her "28 Weeks," a folder of colorful papers with information on pregnancy and a guide to nursing. It is written for mothers whose babies will go home with them.
Several years before Natasha's pregnancy, her mother, Liz Freeman, talked to her about sex, birth control, abortion and sexually transmitted diseases. Natasha was young, maybe 11 or 12, but her mother was determined to catch her before she learned about sex in locker rooms and at slumber parties.
At the end of their conversation, Natasha asked her mother what she should do if she became pregnant.
"Come to me," her mom said. "Come to me right away."
When it seemed to Natasha that the time was right, the two of them went to Planned Parenthood to explore birth control options. Natasha struggled to find a method that didn't disrupt her cycle. It was while trying different brands and types of birth control that she became pregnant.
Changes in her body and occasional morning sickness had her worried she was pregnant, but several pregnancy tests were negative. She knew something wasn't right and took one more. Positive.
Natasha was home when she found out. She ran to her mother's room and handed her the pregnancy test. It said "pregnant" in the little plastic window. Enough said.
Liz gripped her in a tight embrace.
"It's going to be OK, it's going to be all right. It's all right," she whispered into her weeping daughter's hair.
"I know what it takes to make that decision and the strength it takes to follow through," Liz said. "Everything inside of you, you don't want to do it."
Even though it was almost 30 years ago, Liz could have chosen an open adoption, but she knew herself. Contact with the baby and the family would be agonizing, she thought. She had only one stipulation in her search for parents. She wanted the baby to have a stay-at-home mom, at least in the baby's early years. A teenager, attending high school and maybe college in her future, she knew she wouldn't be able to spend as much time with the baby as she knew it needed.
"I told everyone, 'I don't want to know if it's a boy or a girl, I don't want to see it. I don't want to hold it. I want to know if it's OK,' " Liz said. "My doctor asked me why, and I said that if I see the baby, it won't leave me - and I knew it."
Liz, then 15, squeezed her eyes shut at the final push during delivery and broke down in tears before asking if the baby was OK. She was. And that was the last Liz would know of the baby for a year.
She didn't know that it was a girl until a year later, when she mustered the courage to contact the adoption agency. They told her the girl was happy, healthy and living with a Montana family on a ranch. She learned to walk before she was a year old.
Liz lives with the sometimes-painful loss of a child, but she is at peace with her decision.
"I can guarantee, you're not doing it for yourself because it tears you up - you do it for them," Liz said.
Today, the girl would be 28. She may not know she was adopted, but if she does, Liz's adoption records are open. The woman could contact her mother anytime, but hasn't.
Liz has known her fiancé, Jeff Hagel, since childhood, but the two haven't always been a couple. Both were previously married. Natasha, who no longer has contact with her birth father, considers Jeff her dad.
When Natasha counts her siblings, she taps the fingers on her right hand one at a time, then taps all the fingers of her left hand on the edge of the table top before starting over on her right hand. Full-blood related siblings, half sisters, children born to Jeff in his first marriage and Liz's firstborn that she placed for adoption - the number comes to 12. Four children live at home with Liz and Jeff. Natasha is the second-oldest. Her older sister Katherine Brackett, 20, lives in the Heights. Natasha's younger sister Mikala, 14, is a bubbly eighth-grader at Huntley Project. Marshal, 11, and Landen, 9, are the youngest.
All their lives, Liz's children have known they have an older sister who was placed for adoption.
"We go extended family," Liz said. "Family is family, and it doesn't take blood to be family."
Natasha has a tattoo on the top of her right foot that says "Family Forever." Katherine and one of Jeff's daughters have the same tattoo. It's an upside-down, mirror image. From her perspective it spells "family." From anyone else's it says "forever."
Liz, Jeff and Katherine will join Natasha in the delivery room when the baby is born, and together, they're taking a "Welcome Baby" class at Billings Clinic, which offers expecting parents relaxation and labor techniques. The class has brought a sense of reality to the family's situation. During the class, they've flown from tears and hugs to laughter and playful pillow fights.
She let herself get excited and shopped for baby clothes, bought a stroller, wondered if it was a boy or a girl and dreamed like every mother does.
But then one day, she was standing in the shower and reality hit. With school, homework and a part-time job, when would she find time to be a mother? Would she ever have the money to buy everything the child needed? What about the life experiences that help parents make good decisions? Time, money, experience - she didn't have any.
"That's just so not fair to a kid," she said. "This kid deserves more."
She decided she would place the baby for adoption and hasn't wavered in her decision since.
The baby's father left before Natasha found out she was pregnant, and although Natasha informed him of her pregnancy, he hasn't expressed an interest in fatherhood.
She had never met them, so they sent her letters and a photo album to introduce themselves.
"I opened the front page and it was done right there," she said.
The book starts with a letter from the baby's mother and one from the baby's father. The conversational tone of the letters, their typos and misspellings, all gave Natasha an instant feeling of relief and joy.
"I hate perfect. Nobody's perfect, and if you try to be perfect it just makes you seem desperate," Natasha said.
The album included pictures of the couple's dogs, cats and horses, photos of their wedding day and a picture of the baby's grandparents dancing.
"They're not afraid to have fun," she said. "I want this kid to be raised that way - the way I was raised."
Contact Laura Tode at ltode@billingsgazette.com or 657-1392.
Published on Sunday, December 14, 2008.
Last modified on 12/14/2008 at 12:14 am
In the waiting room at Billings Clinic downtown, Natasha Batt sits in a pink chair with her legs crossed, bouncing her puffy foot in a flip-flop. The appointment is just a routine checkup for her but not for many teenagers.
Natasha, 17, is pregnant and waiting for her fourth prenatal visit. Her black hooded sweatshirt is on her lap in an unconscious effort to cover her rounded belly.
Natasha is a senior at Huntley Project High School and found out she was pregnant in July. With the love and support of family, she made one of the most difficult decisions of her life - a decision that's forced her mother to consider her past again with new perspective.
She wears sweat pants because the idea of buying maternity clothes is too overwhelming. Besides, she's not even used to saying the word "pregnant."
"I find pregnant the word that is the most awkward to say - even right now I hate saying I'm pregnant," she said.
As her belly has grown, she has had to make the announcement less often.
When the nurse calls, Natasha walks down the hall without a glance at the dozen or so bulletin boards covered in snapshots of happy couples, cradling pink- and blue-clad newborns. Someone else will be smiling for a photo with the baby boy growing inside Natasha.
In the doctor's office, the nurse places a microphone on Natasha's belly. The machine hisses and produces a muffled sound like water rushing, lapping against a board. Natasha relaxes, listens awhile and closes her eyes. The baby's OK, and that's all she really wants to know. As the nurse moves the microphone, the heartbeat gets louder, and Natasha smiles.
The doctor asks her if she has any questions. She doesn't, and he hands her "28 Weeks," a folder of colorful papers with information on pregnancy and a guide to nursing. It is written for mothers whose babies will go home with them.
Several years before Natasha's pregnancy, her mother, Liz Freeman, talked to her about sex, birth control, abortion and sexually transmitted diseases. Natasha was young, maybe 11 or 12, but her mother was determined to catch her before she learned about sex in locker rooms and at slumber parties.
At the end of their conversation, Natasha asked her mother what she should do if she became pregnant.
"Come to me," her mom said. "Come to me right away."
When it seemed to Natasha that the time was right, the two of them went to Planned Parenthood to explore birth control options. Natasha struggled to find a method that didn't disrupt her cycle. It was while trying different brands and types of birth control that she became pregnant.
Changes in her body and occasional morning sickness had her worried she was pregnant, but several pregnancy tests were negative. She knew something wasn't right and took one more. Positive.
Natasha was home when she found out. She ran to her mother's room and handed her the pregnancy test. It said "pregnant" in the little plastic window. Enough said.
Liz gripped her in a tight embrace.
"It's going to be OK, it's going to be all right. It's all right," she whispered into her weeping daughter's hair.
A mother who understands
Natasha's mother was pregnant when she was 15. She knows the heartache, loneliness and shame of teen pregnancy. She knows what it does to a girl's body and the confusion that can cause. She chose to place her baby up for adoption."I know what it takes to make that decision and the strength it takes to follow through," Liz said. "Everything inside of you, you don't want to do it."
Even though it was almost 30 years ago, Liz could have chosen an open adoption, but she knew herself. Contact with the baby and the family would be agonizing, she thought. She had only one stipulation in her search for parents. She wanted the baby to have a stay-at-home mom, at least in the baby's early years. A teenager, attending high school and maybe college in her future, she knew she wouldn't be able to spend as much time with the baby as she knew it needed.
"I told everyone, 'I don't want to know if it's a boy or a girl, I don't want to see it. I don't want to hold it. I want to know if it's OK,' " Liz said. "My doctor asked me why, and I said that if I see the baby, it won't leave me - and I knew it."
Liz, then 15, squeezed her eyes shut at the final push during delivery and broke down in tears before asking if the baby was OK. She was. And that was the last Liz would know of the baby for a year.
She didn't know that it was a girl until a year later, when she mustered the courage to contact the adoption agency. They told her the girl was happy, healthy and living with a Montana family on a ranch. She learned to walk before she was a year old.
Liz lives with the sometimes-painful loss of a child, but she is at peace with her decision.
"I can guarantee, you're not doing it for yourself because it tears you up - you do it for them," Liz said.
Today, the girl would be 28. She may not know she was adopted, but if she does, Liz's adoption records are open. The woman could contact her mother anytime, but hasn't.
Family first, family forever
In Natasha's life, the concept of family has never been conventional.Liz has known her fiancé, Jeff Hagel, since childhood, but the two haven't always been a couple. Both were previously married. Natasha, who no longer has contact with her birth father, considers Jeff her dad.
When Natasha counts her siblings, she taps the fingers on her right hand one at a time, then taps all the fingers of her left hand on the edge of the table top before starting over on her right hand. Full-blood related siblings, half sisters, children born to Jeff in his first marriage and Liz's firstborn that she placed for adoption - the number comes to 12. Four children live at home with Liz and Jeff. Natasha is the second-oldest. Her older sister Katherine Brackett, 20, lives in the Heights. Natasha's younger sister Mikala, 14, is a bubbly eighth-grader at Huntley Project. Marshal, 11, and Landen, 9, are the youngest.
All their lives, Liz's children have known they have an older sister who was placed for adoption.
"We go extended family," Liz said. "Family is family, and it doesn't take blood to be family."
Natasha has a tattoo on the top of her right foot that says "Family Forever." Katherine and one of Jeff's daughters have the same tattoo. It's an upside-down, mirror image. From her perspective it spells "family." From anyone else's it says "forever."
Liz, Jeff and Katherine will join Natasha in the delivery room when the baby is born, and together, they're taking a "Welcome Baby" class at Billings Clinic, which offers expecting parents relaxation and labor techniques. The class has brought a sense of reality to the family's situation. During the class, they've flown from tears and hugs to laughter and playful pillow fights.
Natasha's decision
At first, Natasha could picture herself as a young mother. She loved taking care of her younger brothers, and as Liz puts it, she's "a nurturer." The timing of the pregnancy was less than perfect, but Natasha decided she was up for motherhood, ready or not. She would do whatever it took, and when she told her parents she planned to keep the baby, they committed to do the same. More now than ever, they told her, she needed to go to college.She let herself get excited and shopped for baby clothes, bought a stroller, wondered if it was a boy or a girl and dreamed like every mother does.
But then one day, she was standing in the shower and reality hit. With school, homework and a part-time job, when would she find time to be a mother? Would she ever have the money to buy everything the child needed? What about the life experiences that help parents make good decisions? Time, money, experience - she didn't have any.
"That's just so not fair to a kid," she said. "This kid deserves more."
She decided she would place the baby for adoption and hasn't wavered in her decision since.
The baby's father left before Natasha found out she was pregnant, and although Natasha informed him of her pregnancy, he hasn't expressed an interest in fatherhood.
A lucky couple
Natasha explored local adoption agencies, but before choosing one she was contacted by distant family friends who had heard of her decision. Other than to say they live in a small Wyoming town, Natasha wants to honor their privacy until the baby is born.She had never met them, so they sent her letters and a photo album to introduce themselves.
"I opened the front page and it was done right there," she said.
The book starts with a letter from the baby's mother and one from the baby's father. The conversational tone of the letters, their typos and misspellings, all gave Natasha an instant feeling of relief and joy.
"I hate perfect. Nobody's perfect, and if you try to be perfect it just makes you seem desperate," Natasha said.
The album included pictures of the couple's dogs, cats and horses, photos of their wedding day and a picture of the baby's grandparents dancing.
"They're not afraid to have fun," she said. "I want this kid to be raised that way - the way I was raised."
Contact Laura Tode at ltode@billingsgazette.com or 657-1392.
you gotta walk before you run
We survived the 10K on Saturday and are already planning on doing another one on May 30.
Looking for something to keep you busy while you are waiting to be chosen? May I recommend training for a 10K or three? We are still walking but plan to run someday. As they say: you gotta walk before you run.
This is also helping us get ready to be parents, especially since I'm "older" I want to be around for as much of my child's life (and grandchildren too - hopefully!) as possible!
We are trying to add years to our lives. A good way, IMHO, to spend your time waiting.
04.03.09 update: doc says no 10K in May due to my injured toe. phooey!
Looking for something to keep you busy while you are waiting to be chosen? May I recommend training for a 10K or three? We are still walking but plan to run someday. As they say: you gotta walk before you run.
This is also helping us get ready to be parents, especially since I'm "older" I want to be around for as much of my child's life (and grandchildren too - hopefully!) as possible!
We are trying to add years to our lives. A good way, IMHO, to spend your time waiting.
04.03.09 update: doc says no 10K in May due to my injured toe. phooey!
Sunday, March 29, 2009
poor Julie...
I was talking to my aunt about my cousin (not her daughter) being pregnant, and finding out on Facebook, yadda yadda yadda.
So my aunt says, you don't want people always saying and thinking "poor Julie."
So my husband and I were talking about this in the car Friday and I said to him yes, yes I do want people saying poor Julie. I want people to recognize what a tragedy it is to not be able to have children.
I don't want people saying poor Julie about anything else. I don't want pity. But I do want people to recognize what a tragedy it is for ANYONE to be infertile and to not be able to have children. Poor me, poor them.
I guess what goes hand and hand with this, it the fact that I want people who have children to recognize it for the blessing that it is. (you may or may not remember my ex-friend who told me I was blessed to not have children...).
So while I was in the car talking to my husband about "poor Julie" I was also thinking about blogging about "poor Julie." Yes, I think about my blog posts well in advance. I try to process them so when I sit down at my computer they come out making sense.
In life there is tragedy. Infertility is one of them, infertility is mine.
So my aunt says, you don't want people always saying and thinking "poor Julie."
So my husband and I were talking about this in the car Friday and I said to him yes, yes I do want people saying poor Julie. I want people to recognize what a tragedy it is to not be able to have children.
I don't want people saying poor Julie about anything else. I don't want pity. But I do want people to recognize what a tragedy it is for ANYONE to be infertile and to not be able to have children. Poor me, poor them.
I guess what goes hand and hand with this, it the fact that I want people who have children to recognize it for the blessing that it is. (you may or may not remember my ex-friend who told me I was blessed to not have children...).
So while I was in the car talking to my husband about "poor Julie" I was also thinking about blogging about "poor Julie." Yes, I think about my blog posts well in advance. I try to process them so when I sit down at my computer they come out making sense.
In life there is tragedy. Infertility is one of them, infertility is mine.
Thursday, March 26, 2009
10k saturday
So I keep imagining that we get "the call" while we are in the middle of the 10k on Saturday. Yes, I'm taking my cell phone!
(Lucinda Bassett would call this "Magical Thinking!" I do a lot of it!)
3.29.08 update: no call during the 10k... It was Magical Thinking....
(Lucinda Bassett would call this "Magical Thinking!" I do a lot of it!)
3.29.08 update: no call during the 10k... It was Magical Thinking....
would you care for a divorce
Throughout our 9-year journey, there have been ups and downs, of course.
After some unsuccessful cycles with meds, and unsuccessful IUIs I finally managed to bring myself to ask my husband if he would like to divorce me and find a "working" model instead.
I was totally serious. He laughed at me.
All along he has been very supportive. The one time he was not: when I had injections, he had promised he would do the injection in my abdomen for me, but when it came time he just couldn't do it. He has often said that if there are only the 2 of us in our family that is ok too.
The irony of it all is that the thing that attracted me to him when I met him was the way he talked about his 2.5 year old niece. He wanted to have children right after we got married, but since he immigrated to the USA and the first three years are like a "trial" I didn't want to have children right away because I was afraid he might not like living here and would want to move back to England.
Here we are, nearly 13 years later, childless.
We have a niece and nephew in England. We saw them last year for the first time in NINE years. It's difficult for us to get to England, especially with all the infertility treatment debt and now the expense of adoption.
He wouldn't divorce me. And he's already offered to "get fixed" when the time comes since I've had to go through the injections, ultrasounds, IUIs, etc. He says it's his turn to take one for the team.
After some unsuccessful cycles with meds, and unsuccessful IUIs I finally managed to bring myself to ask my husband if he would like to divorce me and find a "working" model instead.
I was totally serious. He laughed at me.
All along he has been very supportive. The one time he was not: when I had injections, he had promised he would do the injection in my abdomen for me, but when it came time he just couldn't do it. He has often said that if there are only the 2 of us in our family that is ok too.
The irony of it all is that the thing that attracted me to him when I met him was the way he talked about his 2.5 year old niece. He wanted to have children right after we got married, but since he immigrated to the USA and the first three years are like a "trial" I didn't want to have children right away because I was afraid he might not like living here and would want to move back to England.
Here we are, nearly 13 years later, childless.
We have a niece and nephew in England. We saw them last year for the first time in NINE years. It's difficult for us to get to England, especially with all the infertility treatment debt and now the expense of adoption.
He wouldn't divorce me. And he's already offered to "get fixed" when the time comes since I've had to go through the injections, ultrasounds, IUIs, etc. He says it's his turn to take one for the team.
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
i want my MTV!
(How old am I? does anyone else remember that advertising campaign?) :P
Two of my friends told me about a program on MTV called TrueLife and right now there is an episode on called "I Placed My Baby for Adoption."
It was on at 4 a.m. today so we DVR'd it and my husband and I are watching it right now. I wanted to post so you can search for it and hopefully it will still be running for the next week or so.
It is a reality show about 2 pregnant young women and their decision to adopt, but it's just one episode.
We are still trying to learn as much as we can about what it's like for the birth mom.
updated 3.26.09: there is a followup to this program on here. I watched it and it was very good. I feel for the women who have to make the decision to keep or give up their baby. I know it must be difficult to keep in mind what is best for the baby.
Two of my friends told me about a program on MTV called TrueLife and right now there is an episode on called "I Placed My Baby for Adoption."
It was on at 4 a.m. today so we DVR'd it and my husband and I are watching it right now. I wanted to post so you can search for it and hopefully it will still be running for the next week or so.
It is a reality show about 2 pregnant young women and their decision to adopt, but it's just one episode.
We are still trying to learn as much as we can about what it's like for the birth mom.
updated 3.26.09: there is a followup to this program on here. I watched it and it was very good. I feel for the women who have to make the decision to keep or give up their baby. I know it must be difficult to keep in mind what is best for the baby.
Stephanie and Alicia made me do it!
I called the birth mom's attorney's office. No decision has been made. The woman who answers the phone kindly offered to call me when a decision has been made. She can totally understand how it feels to be hanging on.
Stephanie and Alicia: thank you for your support and encouragement! We aren't out of it yet!
There is still hope!
Stephanie and Alicia: thank you for your support and encouragement! We aren't out of it yet!
There is still hope!
too many blogs on the dancefloor
One of these days I'm gonna post the wrong thing on the wrong blog!
So, a cousin of mine has been telling me for years how she NEVER wants to have kids. Even as recently as last July at a funeral she was telling me with such conviction "never never never."
Earlier this week, her partner (male) announced on FACEBOOK that they are having a baby in September.
Later that day (or the next) I received a very sweet and thoughtful email (on Facebook) from her saying she was sorry I found out about her pregnancy on Facebook and that she had intended on sending me a personal email... She realizes it is probably difficult for me to hear about other's pregnancies, etc.... Then she says they went through infertility treatment! wtf. What's with the "never never never ever" poop? I don't understand.
I responded that I appreciated her thoughtful email and wished them all the best.
Do some people hide behind the lie that they don't want children when in fact they can't have children? I for one, don't understand this, but then I've always let it all hang out, no secrets. I never wanted people to think we were selfish child-haters who didn't want children.
I'm still in shock and wondering what's going on. She knew I had infertility issues. We are blood relatives. I'd have liked to known so we could swap war stories and see if it's something genetic. Or at least to know I'm not the only one in the family who hasn't been able to have children easily.
I guess I will always grieve for my 3 lost babies when I hear of another's pregnancy. I hope it goes away, but I don't know when.
So, a cousin of mine has been telling me for years how she NEVER wants to have kids. Even as recently as last July at a funeral she was telling me with such conviction "never never never."
Earlier this week, her partner (male) announced on FACEBOOK that they are having a baby in September.
Later that day (or the next) I received a very sweet and thoughtful email (on Facebook) from her saying she was sorry I found out about her pregnancy on Facebook and that she had intended on sending me a personal email... She realizes it is probably difficult for me to hear about other's pregnancies, etc.... Then she says they went through infertility treatment! wtf. What's with the "never never never ever" poop? I don't understand.
I responded that I appreciated her thoughtful email and wished them all the best.
Do some people hide behind the lie that they don't want children when in fact they can't have children? I for one, don't understand this, but then I've always let it all hang out, no secrets. I never wanted people to think we were selfish child-haters who didn't want children.
I'm still in shock and wondering what's going on. She knew I had infertility issues. We are blood relatives. I'd have liked to known so we could swap war stories and see if it's something genetic. Or at least to know I'm not the only one in the family who hasn't been able to have children easily.
I guess I will always grieve for my 3 lost babies when I hear of another's pregnancy. I hope it goes away, but I don't know when.
ok, so how long do I wait
The birth mom was looking at profiles this past weekend. Still no call. I want to know if she's chosen, either way. Just to put an end to the wondering. This is WAY worse than the 2ww (did I already say that in a previous post?)
I'm going to try to wait until next week to call her attorney. You know, I've tried to tell myself we won't be chosen just so I'm not let down. Kinda like telling your self you aren't pregnant after so many mishaps. Self defense.
If your profile was being viewed did someone let you know when the wait was over? either way? or did you just assume after say 2 weeks that you had not been chosen?
We are doing a 10k this Saturday so I'm just trying to use that to focus on and try to forget about everything else (that being THE WAITING!) LOL. See how well I'm doing?
Any advice is welcome!
I'm going to try to wait until next week to call her attorney. You know, I've tried to tell myself we won't be chosen just so I'm not let down. Kinda like telling your self you aren't pregnant after so many mishaps. Self defense.
If your profile was being viewed did someone let you know when the wait was over? either way? or did you just assume after say 2 weeks that you had not been chosen?
We are doing a 10k this Saturday so I'm just trying to use that to focus on and try to forget about everything else (that being THE WAITING!) LOL. See how well I'm doing?
Any advice is welcome!
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
peace, love and blog
Why do I blog?
I blog with hope that someone will come across my blog and learning something from me that will help them on their journey, whatever it may be.
I have 2 other blogs that readers of this blog are privy to. Readers of my other 2 blogs are not privy to the other 2 blogs. (does that make sense?)
Here, I try to blog about infertility and the aftermath and the reality of it all. No sugar-coating here.
My A Family is Born blog is for family and friends to follow along our adoption journey and learn about everything we have to go through along the way in detail. This blog is also for those going through their own adoption journey, in hopes that that can learn something from my journey and maybe it will save them time, money, heartache, whatever.
My Unplanned Pregnancy? blog is for women who have an unplanned pregnancy. I hope to educate them about how many women would love to adopt and encourage them to think at least twice before considering an abortion. I have collected a lot of resources for them in hopes that it's a user-friendly one-stop-shop. It's pink and not scary. I am happy to report a lot of my readers of this blog exit via Planned Parenthood. I hope this blog will save some babies.
I want to do my best to coach other women through their infertility journey and/or adoption journey. I will hold your hand. Maybe it's the mom in me. It has long been my belief that if I know 10 things and you know 10 things then together we know 20 things! Wooo hooo!
I hope this blog fulfills my hopes and yours.
I blog with hope that someone will come across my blog and learning something from me that will help them on their journey, whatever it may be.
I have 2 other blogs that readers of this blog are privy to. Readers of my other 2 blogs are not privy to the other 2 blogs. (does that make sense?)
Here, I try to blog about infertility and the aftermath and the reality of it all. No sugar-coating here.
My A Family is Born blog is for family and friends to follow along our adoption journey and learn about everything we have to go through along the way in detail. This blog is also for those going through their own adoption journey, in hopes that that can learn something from my journey and maybe it will save them time, money, heartache, whatever.
My Unplanned Pregnancy? blog is for women who have an unplanned pregnancy. I hope to educate them about how many women would love to adopt and encourage them to think at least twice before considering an abortion. I have collected a lot of resources for them in hopes that it's a user-friendly one-stop-shop. It's pink and not scary. I am happy to report a lot of my readers of this blog exit via Planned Parenthood. I hope this blog will save some babies.
I want to do my best to coach other women through their infertility journey and/or adoption journey. I will hold your hand. Maybe it's the mom in me. It has long been my belief that if I know 10 things and you know 10 things then together we know 20 things! Wooo hooo!
I hope this blog fulfills my hopes and yours.
Monday, March 23, 2009
um, nesting or simple diversion?
So I finished our taxes yesterday (yes, I do our taxes all by myself and I am VERY proud about this).
Then I started cleaning and shredding paper, and wiping off counter tops. Was this nesting or just a simple diversion to keep me from thinking about the birth mom who was supposed to be looking at our profile this weekend? It's just too good to be true, she won't pick us. I've told you, I've told me.
Things that sound too good to be true usually are...
OH and last night I found out my cousin is pregnant. She's said she would NEVER have kids, didn't want kids.... harumph... I found out on Facebook and that is just an inappropriate place to post such blessed news.
And now, because I suffer from perfectionism along with my anxiety, I can't stop wondering "what could I have done differently in our profile to make her pick us?" but I'm learning that there is nothing I could have done.
It is what it is.
Life is NOT fair (that is a fact, not me whining).
I'm learning.
Then I started cleaning and shredding paper, and wiping off counter tops. Was this nesting or just a simple diversion to keep me from thinking about the birth mom who was supposed to be looking at our profile this weekend? It's just too good to be true, she won't pick us. I've told you, I've told me.
Things that sound too good to be true usually are...
OH and last night I found out my cousin is pregnant. She's said she would NEVER have kids, didn't want kids.... harumph... I found out on Facebook and that is just an inappropriate place to post such blessed news.
And now, because I suffer from perfectionism along with my anxiety, I can't stop wondering "what could I have done differently in our profile to make her pick us?" but I'm learning that there is nothing I could have done.
It is what it is.
Life is NOT fair (that is a fact, not me whining).
I'm learning.
Sunday, March 22, 2009
serenity..... now?
I know two serenity prayers, this one (pictured above) andFrank Constanza's "Serenity Now!" (below)
in my dreams
More than once, I've had this same dream:
I fall asleep in bed, with my Chocolate Lab Gemma (g as in Julie, not a g like in gum!) at my feet.
When I wake up, Gemma has turned into a newborn baby girl.
Saturday, March 21, 2009
talking myself out of it
I've been telling myself all afternoon that we won't be picked.
I know the birth mom was looking at profiles this weekend, but I've already convinced myself that she's done and we have not been picked.
I guess I'm in self-defense mode. It's worse than the dreaded 2WW.
I'm at a point tonight where I'm afraid to have hope.
Yes, there is one more day left in "the weekend" so it's possible the birth mom hasn't seen ANY profiles yet. Who knows.
It's a very nerve-wracking time. I may have to take extra anti-anxiety meds tonight so I can sleep and stop the negative thinking.
Who would pick us? I'm too old. We make too little money. I'm not worthy.
I know the birth mom was looking at profiles this weekend, but I've already convinced myself that she's done and we have not been picked.
I guess I'm in self-defense mode. It's worse than the dreaded 2WW.
I'm at a point tonight where I'm afraid to have hope.
Yes, there is one more day left in "the weekend" so it's possible the birth mom hasn't seen ANY profiles yet. Who knows.
It's a very nerve-wracking time. I may have to take extra anti-anxiety meds tonight so I can sleep and stop the negative thinking.
Who would pick us? I'm too old. We make too little money. I'm not worthy.
orphans
There are many differences between domestic adoption and international adoption. The one I am feeling the most right now is that in domestic adoptions you have to wait for a birth mother to choose you (usually). In international adoption, you choose the child.
Waiting to be chosen is very difficult. I can't help but think/worry that we may never be chosen. When I think this, I also think, this is the same way a child in an orphanage waiting to be chosen must feel.
I am an orphan too.
Waiting to be chosen is very difficult. I can't help but think/worry that we may never be chosen. When I think this, I also think, this is the same way a child in an orphanage waiting to be chosen must feel.
I am an orphan too.
Friday, March 20, 2009
frozen Saints: part II
This came from a friend of a friend, Fr. Casey:
For some strange reason, St. Thomas More is the patron Saint of Adoption:
(see medal)
http://www.catholicfreeshipping.com/products/cfs_stphilsilcm.html
But St. Joseph was a foster father to Jesus and Jude is patron Saint of last resorts if they have been trying for awhile. I would say lock all 3 in the freezer and pray.
frozen Saint: part I
The birth mom's attorney called to say they have received our profile - this is a huge relief! WHEW!!! The woman who called me, I guess a secretary, told me to put St. Jude in my freezer for adoption! Not being Catholic, this puzzles me a bit, but I'll do anything.
I've looked up St. Jude, patron saint of lost causes! :O anyway, I'm working on getting a St. Jude statue for my freezer.
If anyone of my dear readers is Catholic, please feel free to enlighten me as to why the patron saint of lost causes would help with adoption, I'd appreciate it.
The birth mom is looking at profiles this weekend.
P.S. Last night Pope John Paul VI was in my dream. I usually do have some very crazy dreams, but a Pope has never made an appearance before.
I've looked up St. Jude, patron saint of lost causes! :O anyway, I'm working on getting a St. Jude statue for my freezer.
If anyone of my dear readers is Catholic, please feel free to enlighten me as to why the patron saint of lost causes would help with adoption, I'd appreciate it.
The birth mom is looking at profiles this weekend.
P.S. Last night Pope John Paul VI was in my dream. I usually do have some very crazy dreams, but a Pope has never made an appearance before.
Thursday, March 19, 2009
wing & a prayer
Finally an adoption that we could afford has come to our attention. We have submitted our profile for the birth mom to review. I know, usually things that sound too good to be true are, but I have hope. The birth mom is due on my dad's birthday.
We are not telling family and friends because there really isn't anything to tell yet. She will probably pick a few couples to meet (the finalists) and then choose the adoptive parents after that. She is in her 8th month so it's all going to happen fast. I'll let you know if she wants to meet us. If we don't hear anything in the next few days, we probably weren't choosen.
Please keep us in your thoughts! Fingers, toes and eyes crossed!
We are not telling family and friends because there really isn't anything to tell yet. She will probably pick a few couples to meet (the finalists) and then choose the adoptive parents after that. She is in her 8th month so it's all going to happen fast. I'll let you know if she wants to meet us. If we don't hear anything in the next few days, we probably weren't choosen.
Please keep us in your thoughts! Fingers, toes and eyes crossed!
Monday, March 16, 2009
true confessions
Ok dear reader, so you've already learned a few things about me. Here's some more.
I suffer from anxiety, depression (duh) and stress. I have been seeing a LCSW (Licensed Clinical Social Worker) since my visit to the deep pit of despair last summer. I knew I was in bad shape when my nurse practitioner asked me if I had a gun in my purse. (No - just in case you were wondering, so not a gun person.)
This was my hugest "why me" period. Why am I here? What's my purpose if not to be a mom? What can I contribute if it's not an adult of the future? I'm a failure at being a human being... and so on, maybe you've been there. I was put on an anti-depressant and anti-anxiety meds (yes, this was gone over with a fine-toothed comb during our home study).
My LCSW recommended I go through this program and I agreed. It's Lucinda Bassett's Overcoming Stress and Anxiety program. I am in week 5 and already not only can I tell a difference, but others can as well. I REALLY want to get over (or recover as "they" say) from my problem and be off my meds by the time we adopt.
I am such a worrier, a what if thinker, a "magical" thinker (as Lucinda calls it). I can overcome this and wanted my readers to know they can too. I love the magical thinker part. It totally goes with my post about being punished. About someone or something punishing me by not allowing me to have a baby. Magical thinking. No one is punishing me. It is the hand I've been dealt. Life is not fair. Lucinda talks about teaching her 5-year-old son to say "life is not fair" rather than "IT is not fair." I wish I would have learned that when I was 5!
Please feel free to ask me about this, either by leaving a comment or emailing me. As you know, I'm game to talk about anything. And I want others to learn from me, from what I've been through. I'm happy to help in any way I can. As I told one friend of mine, it's my goal to get as many women pregnant as I can! She has a child and laughed and said "stay away from me!" I explained I meant women with infertility problems.
There are 15 weeks of CDs in Lucinda's program. You get to listen in on "group" sessions. There is even home work. I've also purchased one of her books, From Panic to Power. I never realized how many panic attacks I have! Good grief! There is an online form for those going through the program, you join in the month you start so everyone is listening to the same CDs at the same time. I have taken comfort from some fellow members (this part is free).
Fortunately my LCSW lends me the CDs because I think it is like $600 to purchase the entire program, but I looked on ebay and you can get it cheaper there ;)
Ok, I know this is kinda scattered, but I wanted to share.
Maybe your stress/anxiety/depression isn't as bad as mine, maybe it's worse. There are all levels on the CDs. Some people won't drive or leave their homes. I'm more in the middle. I don't like crowds. Anyway, feel free to ask me anything. Ten more weeks to go ;)
Happy Monday!
I suffer from anxiety, depression (duh) and stress. I have been seeing a LCSW (Licensed Clinical Social Worker) since my visit to the deep pit of despair last summer. I knew I was in bad shape when my nurse practitioner asked me if I had a gun in my purse. (No - just in case you were wondering, so not a gun person.)
This was my hugest "why me" period. Why am I here? What's my purpose if not to be a mom? What can I contribute if it's not an adult of the future? I'm a failure at being a human being... and so on, maybe you've been there. I was put on an anti-depressant and anti-anxiety meds (yes, this was gone over with a fine-toothed comb during our home study).
My LCSW recommended I go through this program and I agreed. It's Lucinda Bassett's Overcoming Stress and Anxiety program. I am in week 5 and already not only can I tell a difference, but others can as well. I REALLY want to get over (or recover as "they" say) from my problem and be off my meds by the time we adopt.
I am such a worrier, a what if thinker, a "magical" thinker (as Lucinda calls it). I can overcome this and wanted my readers to know they can too. I love the magical thinker part. It totally goes with my post about being punished. About someone or something punishing me by not allowing me to have a baby. Magical thinking. No one is punishing me. It is the hand I've been dealt. Life is not fair. Lucinda talks about teaching her 5-year-old son to say "life is not fair" rather than "IT is not fair." I wish I would have learned that when I was 5!
Please feel free to ask me about this, either by leaving a comment or emailing me. As you know, I'm game to talk about anything. And I want others to learn from me, from what I've been through. I'm happy to help in any way I can. As I told one friend of mine, it's my goal to get as many women pregnant as I can! She has a child and laughed and said "stay away from me!" I explained I meant women with infertility problems.
There are 15 weeks of CDs in Lucinda's program. You get to listen in on "group" sessions. There is even home work. I've also purchased one of her books, From Panic to Power. I never realized how many panic attacks I have! Good grief! There is an online form for those going through the program, you join in the month you start so everyone is listening to the same CDs at the same time. I have taken comfort from some fellow members (this part is free).
Fortunately my LCSW lends me the CDs because I think it is like $600 to purchase the entire program, but I looked on ebay and you can get it cheaper there ;)
Ok, I know this is kinda scattered, but I wanted to share.
Maybe your stress/anxiety/depression isn't as bad as mine, maybe it's worse. There are all levels on the CDs. Some people won't drive or leave their homes. I'm more in the middle. I don't like crowds. Anyway, feel free to ask me anything. Ten more weeks to go ;)
Happy Monday!
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
obviously the chicken!
I keep thinking of the saying "which came first, the chicken or the egg?"
I have no eggs, so obviously it was the chicken!!!
Maybe the Hen Fruit blog is wearing off on me, I have eggs on the brain... but no where else...
I have no eggs, so obviously it was the chicken!!!
Maybe the Hen Fruit blog is wearing off on me, I have eggs on the brain... but no where else...
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
honest scrap award
I was "tagged" with the Honest Scrap award today by my lovely blogger friend Que Sera, Sarah. I am honored, tickled and happy to oblige.'Ere 'Tis The Rules:
- Choose a minimum of seven (7) blogs that you find brilliant in content or design.
- Show the seven (7) winners names and links on your blog, and leave a comment informing them that they were prized with "Honest Scrap." Well, there's no prize, but they can keep the nifty icon.
- List at least ten (10) honest things about yourself.
'Ere 'Tis Me blogs:
- Hen Fruit *wink*
- Ya Ya Stuff
- Our Adoption Journey
- Full Circle
- And so she prays
- An Infertile Blonde
- The Snooch
'Ere 'Tis Me Scraps:
- I'm afraid I'll never be blessed with a child.
- I hate it every month when I get my period.
- I was raped and beaten.
- I'm afraid of the dark.
- I'm afraid I'll never be blessed with grandchildren.
- I think too far ahead.
- I think too far behind.
- I'm honest to a fault.
- I see a therapist about my depression about not being a mom.
- I can't believe people read my blogs, let alone give me an award.
Monday, March 2, 2009
the ultimate punishment
I am being punished.
I'm not allowed to get and stay pregnant, give birth and be a mom.
We had to get approved to be allowed to adopt, and now we wait. The wait is endless.
What did I do wrong. Am I a bad person. Why am I being punished. Why can't I be a mom.
Where did I take the wrong turn, what could I have done different. What could I have done so that I could be allowed to get and stay pregnant. What could I have done to be allowed to be a mom.
Where where where did I go wrong.
Why am I being punished.
This IS how I feel. I know I'm not being punished. But this is how I feel.
Yes, I've been pregnant three times. I've also miscarried three times. Dangle that carrot.
My total meltdown was last summer. So I am done with that, but now I want to know why. And now, waiting to adopt, and I'm in an angry phase. I've been denied. Why.
What do I have to do to be a mom. What do I have to prove. I've injected my belly for endless days, until I was black and blue.
I just want to be a mom and have a family. Is that asking too much.
I'm not allowed to get and stay pregnant, give birth and be a mom.
We had to get approved to be allowed to adopt, and now we wait. The wait is endless.
What did I do wrong. Am I a bad person. Why am I being punished. Why can't I be a mom.
Where did I take the wrong turn, what could I have done different. What could I have done so that I could be allowed to get and stay pregnant. What could I have done to be allowed to be a mom.
Where where where did I go wrong.
Why am I being punished.
This IS how I feel. I know I'm not being punished. But this is how I feel.
Yes, I've been pregnant three times. I've also miscarried three times. Dangle that carrot.
My total meltdown was last summer. So I am done with that, but now I want to know why. And now, waiting to adopt, and I'm in an angry phase. I've been denied. Why.
What do I have to do to be a mom. What do I have to prove. I've injected my belly for endless days, until I was black and blue.
I just want to be a mom and have a family. Is that asking too much.
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