nothing to do with infertility or babies

I'm just going though a period where I feel like I can't say the right thing to anyone. In email, in person, on the phone. What is wrong with me?

I am going thorough some kind of change (no not THAT change). I want my insides to match my outsides.

I had a profoundly traumatic event in my life over 20 years ago that forever changed me. Changed me for the bad, unfortunately. And for some reason, I feel like I'm coming out of it. I'm not sure where I've been. I've been hiding within myself. Maybe it's because I feel we are closer than ever to having the family we've always wanted through adoption, maybe it's because I so look forward to thinking about someone other than myself, focusing on someone other than myself.

It's time for change. I'm not taking crap from anyone any more.

I started seeing a counselor last summer when I hit rockbottom with the infertility stuff. The deepest pit of despair, been there, done that, did not get a t-shirt. My life was over, what's the point of going on and being here if I can't be a mom. I will confess to you that I was so low, I actually thought of driving off a bridge, but I just couldn't do that to my husband. I'd been low before, but I was lower than low this time. I stayed in bed on weekends, hiding from myself.

I went to my NP. She asked me if I had a gun, among other things. No, I didn't have a gun. Had I stopped going to work. No. I'm a realistic depressed person, I knew I had to continue to go to work or I wouldn't get a pay check. duh. Reason wins over even when I'm depressed.

So, my NP sent me to a counselor (therapist, LCSW, whatever you feel comfortable calling them). I was a wreck. Cried the ENTIRE session. I don't know if she could even understand a word eeked out, I don't know if I did eek out any words.... She got the gist, I'm not happy. I want a baby and I'm not happy.

It was between that session and my 2nd session a week later that my life changed.

My aunt, who I'd seen recently for the first time in many years, called and said she didn't realize we had an infertility problem, she'd assumed that we didn't want children! ACK. She works in the maternity ward of a hospital and many young girls come in there complaining of cramps, denying any chance of pregnancy, give birth, sign over their babies and leave. Did my husband and I want a baby?

HELLO?!?!? Do we WANT a baby!

I saw the counselor the next week and she didn't recognize me from the puddle who had been there the week before. I had hope, the depression was lifting.

We'd thought adoption was out of reach financially until then. We have so much infertility debt... a post for another day...

Anyway, back to me changing. So, I started wearing a little make up this week. I feel different. I am beginning to feel human again, after 20 years. My husband will say I've always been human, always been beautiful. But I've never felt that in 20 years. Someone took something from me and it took the hope of adoption to get it back.

I want to be a mom. I want to be a good mom. I will be a mom. I deserve to be a mom. I will be a good mom.

One thing I learned early on from my counselor, two things can lift you out of depression (besides drugs - and that's only temporary):
#1. Hope
#2. Falling in love

I have hope. I even wear hope around my neck :)

Thank you for listening my dear reader.

Maybe this post did have to do with infertility AND babies...