The natural progression of things is to get married and have kids. Usually one is in their 20s or 30s when this happens.
In doing so, one's focus turns from one's self to one's child or children.
I am 44, and still without child.
My focus should have turned from myself to my child many years ago. I'm not normal. I have nothing to focus on but my self and my husband and our marriage and the fact that we are without child. This is not normal at 44. I should have been focusing on my child for the past 10 years or so. I've gone way past the sell-by date. I've just figured this out. And it explains a lot of things about me. And it's forced me to wonder what will motherhood be like for me, should I ever be blessed with a child.
My grandma was this age when I was born.
How will we save for retirement when our child is going to college when we are 60-something. Will I EVER retire? And the longer this goes on, my life without child, the more I want to be a stay at home mom, but infertility treatment (that DIDN'T even work) will prevent that. We took out a second on the house to pay for non-insured, unsuccessful infertility treatment and will be paying for that for years to come. An additional car payment with nothing to show for it.
We still live like college students, because every extra penny has gone into TRYING to have a family. We've skipped years of holidays to try to have a family. I'm starting to realize all the things we've missed while waiting to have a family.
And what am I expecting - when I do have a child and a family. I do not expect it to be perfect and to be visited by the bluebird of happiness on a daily basis. I'm pretty sure our child won't be healthy, at this point, that just seems like too much to ask for. So I've been preparing myself for this child, the child that is not perfect, not that any are, maybe I should say the child that is not healthy? 10 fingers, 10 toes. What every pregnant mom dreams of. How come I feel like I'm not allowed to dream of that too?
Again, I feel like I'm being punished. But I have no idea what I did wrong. Lucinda Bassett would say this is "magical thinking." Usually people use magical thinking to think of good things happening to good people because they are good. But I just keep asking what I did wrong, where did I make the wrong turn. How did I get here, 44 and without child.
We started TTC when I was 34, 10 years ago. Never in a million years did I imagine I'd end up here, 44 and without child.
No one should end up 44 and without child.
I'm beyond ready for my focus to change from me to my child. And that worries me too. Will my child be a spoiled rotten brat?!?!? Oh I hope not. I just want to raise a good little person who will contribute to the greater good. That is what I have tried to do, all these years, I've tried to contribute to the greater good. So why this punishment. Why why why.
Why why why, 44 and without child.
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4 comments:
(((Hugs)))
J,
Did you just leave me a comment about how you couldn't have furnished rooms because it would bother you? If so, (I think it was you) your profile is set to private so ppl can't get to it from your comment. You should go into your settings and set it to public. Also change your setting to have your email link up bc that way if you leave me a comment I can email you a response.
A
Anyways, if that was you, here for our certification we have to have the stuff ready and waiting for the child to be approved. Showing them that if we got the child we have the bed for said child. Sad, yes.
Wow. How depressing! I think we went thru the same feeling, tho, of being tired of our lives being about ourselves. We were ready to focus on a "little person." It took us about 11 or 12 years to successfully conceive... I realize we were fortunate to start trying earlier than you were able to (we married "young!"). But all you can do is keep waiting and searching or give up. Doesn't sound like you're ready to give up.
My heart goes out to you - with a reminder that 44 IS the "new 34", we are all so much healthier and younger at heart than in past generations...
Also, maybe now is the time to make an extra special commitment to yourself to do some of the things (okay, the cheaper things, anyway!) that you have delayed doing/learning/experiencing...
I am on the other side and I am still traumatized. I imagine that might be hard to hear. But the trauma of infertility and baby loss has not left even after I had 2 children. I started trying at 30. My husband didn't want kids. After tests and tests, his reluctance and downright refusal to try during O sometimes, my trickery, 5 late term (after 12 weeks) miscarriages, I then found out we couldn't adopt except from foster care because of my husband's MS. He refused. Then, during some freak vacation sex, I got pregnant. My son almost died in the NICU. Then, only 3 months later, I felt I had to rush to have another baby so I didn't have an only child like me. I got pregnant quickly while I was in the full hell of this painfully ironic PPD. I got my babies before the age of 35, I guess, but that 5 years of hell had already killed me. My depression is horrific. My marriage is toast. My kids are wonderful, but it is hard. That innocence in me died. I have OCD out the wazoo - I compulsively worry about our age, the what ifs, the why didn't we's...I hate my husband for his ambivalence and what it caused me. I don't know if I ever will forgive him. There is part of me that never wants to see him again. We were in love for 12 years, and then infertility and his obfuscation of his reluctance to have kids destroyed us.
I would not trade my children for anything, but I think about what I would have done had I been alone without a man. I would have adopted older children probably and tried to heal another broken soul like mine. I would have adopted this time if I could have, but we couldn't.
I am trying with therapy to get better, but it has been so hard for me. I would have wanted to slap someone like me before, but all I am saying is this...I told myself that it would all be ok if I had a child, but it's not. We make these deals with ourself. But it's not all ok, and it will never all be ok. There is a part of this that never goes away. A child can't fix that. That little girl inside you that dreamed of this fairy tale never dreamed of this hell, and it takes so much from you.
That doesn't mean that you shouldn't be a mommy - it just means to remember that there is damage that you will have to deal with even after you have that baby in your arms, that's all.
I am so sorry that this has happened to you. I have no idea why this happens to some and not others. I wish there was more education for women out there.
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