Monday, February 1, 2010

neglect

Well, thanks to Hua for the kick in the ass ;) I'd totally forgotten about this blog.

So the update on my foot . . . original diagnosis was INCORRECT, I have a fractured heel, and have had since October 2008. I have been in a cast now since October 2009. Which means no exercise, which means I've gained back 7 of the 20 lbs. I lost last year.

I can only lose weight if I exercise (due to the PCOS).

Nothing new to report on the adoption front. The whole thing just pisses me off. Our social worker basically told us to go someplace else, even thought they are supposed to work for us for three years.

Work sucks. They are taking more health insurance stuff away from us and charging us more.

I have a plan.

  1. get foot healed
  2. get a new job
  3. move if necessary for new job
  4. adopt!
It seems to me that money is what's keeping us from being able to adopt. It just SHOULD NOT be that way. We have a home to offer a child who does not have one. Why should that cost us $40,000???

And EVERYONE keeps asking "why don't you just adopt from Haiti?" hello? people? educate thyself! The kids in Haiti may have living relatives, if so that's who they belong with, and it could take ages to find that out. So those children in Haiti may not be available for adoption for YEARS. Adoption is not like getting a puppy at the pound! These are HUMANS we are talking about.

Ok, done ranting and raving.

Still hoping I'll magically get pregnant, but with 45 looming large, I fear my chance is slim to none. Or maybe someone will leave a baby in a basket on our front steps . . .

Friday, October 9, 2009

let's get physical

Had a physical this week. Nearly a year since my last one which was for our adoption home study.

Bad news.

Bad cholesterol.

Bad blood sugar.

Hypothyroid.

Vitamin D deficiency.

Bad.
Bad.
Bad.

So, I'm getting a Rx for Vitamin D. Doc says what you get OTC isn't enough to make a difference so I need an Rx.

She also wants to put me on Lipitor (both of my parents are on cholesterol lowering meds). But. But, I ask, what happens if I get pregnant and I'm taking Lipitor? Stop taking it immediately? No. Not allowed to take it if I think I may get pregnant.

So I'm 44. My last pregnancy was 12.20.2006, with my cornual pregnancy. What do I do. Keep hoping for a miracle? Take Lipitor and give up?

I'm going to Weight Watchers, and walking 2 miles a day in under 35 minutes.

Why is my body SO against me?

Doc says it's genetic. You can't pick your family.

Will I EVER get pregnant again?

I do have great blood pressure. Odd.

Can I get a new body? trade this one in?

Thanks, I just needed to vent and I knew you'd understand.

Damn you PCOS.

P.S. AND I have to have surgery on my heel, to get rid of bone spurs that are causing plantar fasciitis. Leave without pay. Kick me while I'm down. . .


Yes, a very bad day. Hopefully this too shall pass. . . s o o n

Thursday, September 17, 2009

September 17, 2009

today I became a survivor of rape, not a victim.
today I became a survivor of infertility, not a victim.

it was just a matter of changing my mind. who knew.

today is a wonderful day.

Saturday, September 12, 2009

you don't wanna hear it

I'm having a very bad time.

Life is so not fair.

I am overwhelmed.

Twenty-two years ago next month, I was raped and beaten. This is a trauma and tragedy that should never happen to a human being. It is something I've lived with for 22 years. I told my husband before we got married because I thought he might not want me. But he did. Last month we celebrated 13 years of marriage.

For ten of those 13 years, we've been trying to have a baby, naturally, with infertility treatment and now through adoption. I have had three miscarriages. Infertility and miscarriages are more trauma and tragedy that no one human being should have to endure.

Am I wrong to think I've had my share?

A dear friend recently told me bad things happen to good people. It's as simple as that.

Is it?

I cannot get past either trauma. I am in counseling for both. I have good days and bad.

I feel like I'm being punished. I know, I know, I'm not, but that how it FEELS. And punished by who anyway.

Why am I here?

Isn't having a child part of the circle of life? My circle is broken. You are not supposed to be 44 and childless!

This is my life, day in and day out. Where is my child, why me.

I've told my husband over and over he can leave me, because this is not the life he wanted, not what he signed up for. He's wanted children since we got married. His love for his niece is one of the things that attracted me to him. Oh the irony.

I'm broken, in so many ways. I'm broken hearted.

I wait. I just wait. That's all I do. It's no life for anyone.

I've tried to live a good life and contribute. What did I do to deserve this life? When is it gonna be my turn? Is it all about luck?

How do I turn the corner? how do I overcome what has happened to me?

I wake up and wonder where is my child.
I drive to work and wonder where is my child.
I work and wonder where is my child.
I drive home and wonder where is my child.
I take a shower and wonder where is my child.
I cook dinner and wonder where is my child.
I pay bills and wonder where is my child.
I brush my teeth and wonder where is my child.
I fall asleep wondering where is my child.

Who am I if not someone's mom. It's just not natural.

Sometimes I wonder how I will go on.

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

44 and without child

The natural progression of things is to get married and have kids. Usually one is in their 20s or 30s when this happens.

In doing so, one's focus turns from one's self to one's child or children.

I am 44, and still without child.

My focus should have turned from myself to my child many years ago. I'm not normal. I have nothing to focus on but my self and my husband and our marriage and the fact that we are without child. This is not normal at 44. I should have been focusing on my child for the past 10 years or so. I've gone way past the sell-by date. I've just figured this out. And it explains a lot of things about me. And it's forced me to wonder what will motherhood be like for me, should I ever be blessed with a child.

My grandma was this age when I was born.

How will we save for retirement when our child is going to college when we are 60-something. Will I EVER retire? And the longer this goes on, my life without child, the more I want to be a stay at home mom, but infertility treatment (that DIDN'T even work) will prevent that. We took out a second on the house to pay for non-insured, unsuccessful infertility treatment and will be paying for that for years to come. An additional car payment with nothing to show for it.

We still live like college students, because every extra penny has gone into TRYING to have a family. We've skipped years of holidays to try to have a family. I'm starting to realize all the things we've missed while waiting to have a family.

And what am I expecting - when I do have a child and a family. I do not expect it to be perfect and to be visited by the bluebird of happiness on a daily basis. I'm pretty sure our child won't be healthy, at this point, that just seems like too much to ask for. So I've been preparing myself for this child, the child that is not perfect, not that any are, maybe I should say the child that is not healthy? 10 fingers, 10 toes. What every pregnant mom dreams of. How come I feel like I'm not allowed to dream of that too?

Again, I feel like I'm being punished. But I have no idea what I did wrong. Lucinda Bassett would say this is "magical thinking." Usually people use magical thinking to think of good things happening to good people because they are good. But I just keep asking what I did wrong, where did I make the wrong turn. How did I get here, 44 and without child.

We started TTC when I was 34, 10 years ago. Never in a million years did I imagine I'd end up here, 44 and without child.

No one should end up 44 and without child.

I'm beyond ready for my focus to change from me to my child. And that worries me too. Will my child be a spoiled rotten brat?!?!? Oh I hope not. I just want to raise a good little person who will contribute to the greater good. That is what I have tried to do, all these years, I've tried to contribute to the greater good. So why this punishment. Why why why.

Why why why, 44 and without child.

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

5 or 10

I feel like we've been waiting F O R E V E R to adopt. I count from the day we decided to adopt last July.

Our social worker says we can only count from the date our home study was finalized because prior to that we were not eligible to adopt. phooey!

Not to mention the 8 plus years before that when we were TTC.

It just has been F O R E V E R and I'm SO ready to be a mom. WHERE IS MY CHILD?!?!?

(some days I just GOTTA let it out...)

Saturday, June 13, 2009

Whose Mother Am I

I started this post on my A Family is Born blog while intended it for this blog. *sigh* such is life. I still haven't written it yet but when I do it will be here not there.

Maybe Baby

Looking for a book called "Waiting for Daisy: A Tale of Two Continents, Three Religions, Five Infertility Doctors, an Oscar, an Atomic Bomb, a Romantic Night, and One Woman's Quest to Become a Mother" (deep breath)


I came across this one: "Maybe Baby : 28 Writers Tell the Truth about Skepticism, Infertility, Baby Lust, Childlessness, Ambivalence, and how They Made the Biggest Decision of Their Lives"

Has anyone read either? I physically went to Barnes and Noble AND Borders and NEITHER had "Waiting for Daisy" good grief! I did end up buying this


"Someone Else's Daughter" I'll report back on this one.
6.24.09 update: not liking this one, didn't realize it was a "thriller" . . . put it down...

Monday, June 8, 2009

9 years?

NINE YEARS!

Where did it go? I'm just realizing (after recovering from an 8+ year anxiety/depression stuper) that we've lost 9 years of our lives waiting for our child.

The only real vacation we've had in that time is a trip to England to visit my inlaws. Now we are panicking thinking we may never have the chance to go on a relaxing vacation together, just us two.

For years we lived month to month waiting for a pregnancy, and waiting for a pregnancy to last.

Waiting takes a lot of time and energy, so much else, that I'm just realizing I haven't done anything for nine years but work and wait. This is not good for anyone's sanity, no wonder I ended up with severe anxiety and depression.

We were told one to two years to adopt, and our one year is almost up, I think that's why I'm panicking. Because I'm feeling we MUST be closer to having a child and being a family. And then yes, everything will be about the child. So right now, we feel like we need to do stuff for us, if that makes any sense at all.

So right now we are like, where could we go for just four days. We looked at a place 2 hours away and it was gonna be $1000 for TWO NIGHTS, yes, THREE zeros. So then we were like, what about an all-inclusive place, just get away and relax. Those are just WAY out of our price range.

Then I'm like what are we thinking. We could have to go across the country more than once to meet a child before we adopt, we can't go anywhere.

So here we are, life on hold.

Anyone else have this problem? How did/do you deal?

Thursday, June 4, 2009

think before you speak

When people hear we are waiting to adopt, the reactions vary. But, quite often I get a little mini-lecture on why I don't want a girl or why I don't want a boy. What in the world?!?! People please, do you really not recognize the blessing that each and every child is? O M G !

I do occasionally get the mini-lecture on why I do want a girl or boy, but these are rare.

Then there is the ever-present "you can have mine" response, to which I always answer "OK!" This REALLY catches people off guard.

But why why why do people feel the need to tell me why I don't want children, would they do that to a pregnant woman? I think not.

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

the bitching post

Alrighty then, I contacted our social worker yesterday to find out the status of the 12 kids I have identified. I was prompted to do so because I received an email from one of the kid's social workers saying that they were no longer accepting home studies. Hmmmm. Our home study was supposed to have been sent weeks ago.

As, I said I emailed our social to inquire about the status. In the mean time I called the above mentioned social worker to see if she'd received our home study. She had not.

I called another child's social worker, same thing, she had not received our home study report and they we not longer taking home study reports.

WTF!

So, I email our social worker again (emailing because I'm at work and should probably be working). She proceeds to tell me that I've sent her so many emails she hasn't been able to keep up. I remind her that she said that 2 weeks ago so I sent her my spreadsheet that lists the kids names, ages, states, any contact info. I also asked her if she needed anything from me.

No reply.

So yesterday she says maybe we should have a plan. Um, you are a social worker, haven't you done this before? This is my first adoption!

So she admits that she hasn't been sending out home studies for all the kids I've identified. aaarrrrggggggg!

She says she "may have lost track."

We cannot change social workers because that means we'd have to do another home study - back to square one.

I want to cry.

Tuesday, June 2, 2009

not our kids

Found out today that our social worker has not been sending our home study report out as we've requested. 9 of 12 kids have been adopted, and we weren't even considered because the kid's social workers never received our home study.

I'm beyond frustrated. We cannot switch social workers because that would mean a new home study and another $3,000.

I thought I was being thorough. I have a spreadsheet (yes, I'm THAT kind of girl) with all the kids, their ages, states, date I inquired and date I signed a release for our social worker to send our home study report. Sent our social worker a copy of t

Monday, June 1, 2009

sadly, no grant for us

The couples who were awarded adoption grants from helpusadopt.org were announced today. Unfortunately we are not one of them. There were 300 applications, requesting a total of over $3 million.

I guess there are a lot of couples who need the grant more than us.

We will continue to search for our child, and find a way to make it all work out.

We cannot apply for the same grant again until next April.

Sunday, May 31, 2009

Silent Sorority

Haven't read it, but thought some of my readers might wanna check it out. I'll let you know if I read it, you let me know if you've read it! But right now I'm trying "non research" reading ;)



Silent Sorority
A (Barren) Woman Gets Busy, Angry, Lost and Found
by Pamela Mahoney Tsigdinos
About the Book
What happens when a couple can't conceive after years of trying? What awaits two people who want to be parents, as they move away from the fertility treatment/adoption/mommy-and-daddy track? With humor, poignancy, and grace, Silent Sorority sheds light on the lasting impact infertility has on relationships, identity, and planning for the future. Pamela reveals what it's like to be a “non-mom” in an era dominated by Mom's Clubs and helicopter parents. Along the way, she discovers a welcoming sisterhood whose nurturing fellowship provide the foundation for a rebirth. This is the story of how a (barren) woman gets busy, angry, lost and found.

Friday, May 29, 2009

i hope someone understands

It's not about infertility or adoption, it's a book, just for reading. I haven't read a book in years. I've been doing research reading for the past nine years. I couldn't even tell you the last book I read that was not about infertility or adoption.

I am reading “My Sister’s Keeper” by Jodi Picoult, maybe you've heard of it or seen that it's being made into a movie, anyway...

I just read this:

For every person who gets,
there’s someone who must give.



That is kind of how I feel about adoption, our adoption. For us to have a child, someone must give one. And there is a certain sadness in that, for me.

I hope someone will understand.

Thursday, May 28, 2009

it's my blog and i'll cry if i want to

Ok, I need to get this off my chest and I obviously cannot do it on my "A Family is Born" blog because that's my censored blog.

I am having a very difficult time. We are waiting to adopt. We have been waiting to be parents for just shy of NINE years.

Some people keep telling me adoption is not about me, it's all about the child. Adoption is not for me, it's for the child.

Hello?

Adoption would not be possible without adoptive parents, the people who want to have a child, be a parent.

There is a reason they call it the adoption triad: 1. the birth mom, 2. the baby or child and 3. the adoptive parents.

This is just really frustrating me, mostly on Twitter where I occasionally get slammed for wishing my wait was not so long. What is wrong with that? May I ask?

I just want to be a mom! Why are there people out there trying to make me feel guilty about that?

I do not mean to offend anyone, anywhere. I have tried very hard to learn about and understand the other side of adoption: the women who make a plan for their children, and the children who end up in foster care. I think some should try to learn about and understand more about those who choose to adopt.

Ok, thank you for letting me vent.
I hope someone understands.

Sunday, May 24, 2009

can't get it outta my head!

First comes love
Then comes marriage
Then comes an empty baby carriage?

Monday, May 18, 2009

Infertility and IVF: A Womb with a View

from Williamsburg Yorktown Daily:

Infertility and IVF: A Womb with a View
Dr. John Janousek, M.D.

Friday, May 15, 2009

Capri by Colbie Calillat

She's got a baby inside
And holds her belly tight
All through the night
Just so she knows
She's sleeping so
Safely to keep
Her growing

Oh when she'll open her eyes
There'll be no surprise
She'll grow to be
so beautifully
just like her mother
that's carrying

Oh Capri
She's beauty
Baby inside She's loving
Oh Capri
She's Beauty
there is an angel growing peacefully
Oh Capri
Sweet Baby

Things will be hard at times
But I've learned to try
just listening
patiently

Oh Capri
Sweet Baby
Oh Capri
She's Beauty
Baby inside she's loving
Oh Capri
you're beauty
Just like your mother
that's carrying

oh Capri

Thursday, May 14, 2009

oh and

We are being considered as APs for two brothers, age 3 and 4.5

Here we go again. I tolja it was a roller coaster ride!

Third time's the charm?

Cross E V E R Y T H I N G !