hope springs eternal

Our journey has changed course. We are being given 14 embryos by a donor couple.

Yes, you read that right.

And, yes, I am still in shock.

We have been to see my old RE, and I've had a check up and I am good to go.

We are currently working on transferring the legal possession of the embryos into our care.

I hope to have my first FET cycle in the next month or two.

I am SO excited, there are no words.

We are so touched by the generosity and thoughtfulness of the donors.

And, yes, I do keep pinching myself. This is beyond a dream come true.

neglect

Well, thanks to Hua for the kick in the ass ;) I'd totally forgotten about this blog.

So the update on my foot . . . original diagnosis was INCORRECT, I have a fractured heel, and have had since October 2008. I have been in a cast now since October 2009. Which means no exercise, which means I've gained back 7 of the 20 lbs. I lost last year.

I can only lose weight if I exercise (due to the PCOS).

Nothing new to report on the adoption front. The whole thing just pisses me off. Our social worker basically told us to go someplace else, even thought they are supposed to work for us for three years.

Work sucks. They are taking more health insurance stuff away from us and charging us more.

I have a plan.

1. get foot healed
2. get a new job
3. move if necessary for new job
4. adopt!

It seems to me that money is what's keeping us from being able to adopt. It just SHOULD NOT be that way. We have a home to offer a child who does not have one. Why should that cost us $40,000???

And EVERYONE keeps asking "why don't you just adopt from Haiti?" hello? people? educate thyself! The kids in Haiti may have living relatives, if so that's who they belong with, and it could take ages to find that out. So those children in Haiti may not be available for adoption for YEARS. Adoption is not like getting a puppy at the pound! These are HUMANS we are talking about.

Ok, done ranting and raving.

Still hoping I'll magically get pregnant, but with 45 looming large, I fear my chance is slim to none. Or maybe someone will leave a baby in a basket on our front steps . . .

let's get physical

Had a physical this week. Nearly a year since my last one which was for our adoption home study.

Bad news.

Bad cholesterol.

Bad blood sugar.

Hypothyroid.

Vitamin D deficiency.

Bad.
Bad.
Bad.

So, I'm getting a Rx for Vitamin D. Doc says what you get OTC isn't enough to make a difference so I need an Rx.

She also wants to put me on Lipitor (both of my parents are on cholesterol lowering meds). But. But, I ask, what happens if I get pregnant and I'm taking Lipitor? Stop taking it immediately? No. Not allowed to take it if I think I may get pregnant.

So I'm 44. My last pregnancy was 12.20.2006, with my cornual pregnancy. What do I do. Keep hoping for a miracle? Take Lipitor and give up?

I'm going to Weight Watchers, and walking 2 miles a day in under 35 minutes.

Why is my body SO against me?

Doc says it's genetic. You can't pick your family.

Will I EVER get pregnant again?

I do have great blood pressure. Odd.

Can I get a new body? trade this one in?

Thanks, I just needed to vent and I knew you'd understand.

Damn you PCOS.

P.S. AND I have to have surgery on my heel, to get rid of bone spurs that are causing plantar fasciitis. Leave without pay. Kick me while I'm down. . .


Yes, a very bad day. Hopefully this too shall pass. . . s o o n

September 17, 2009

today I became a survivor of rape, not a victim.
today I became a survivor of infertility, not a victim.

it was just a matter of changing my mind. who knew.

today is a wonderful day.

you don't wanna hear it

I'm having a very bad time.

Life is so not fair.

I am overwhelmed.

Twenty-two years ago next month, I was raped and beaten. This is a trauma and tragedy that should never happen to a human being. It is something I've lived with for 22 years. I told my husband before we got married because I thought he might not want me. But he did. Last month we celebrated 13 years of marriage.

For ten of those 13 years, we've been trying to have a baby, naturally, with infertility treatment and now through adoption. I have had three miscarriages. Infertility and miscarriages are more trauma and tragedy that no one human being should have to endure.

Am I wrong to think I've had my share?

A dear friend recently told me bad things happen to good people. It's as simple as that.

Is it?

I cannot get past either trauma. I am in counseling for both. I have good days and bad.

I feel like I'm being punished. I know, I know, I'm not, but that how it FEELS. And punished by who anyway.

Why am I here?

Isn't having a child part of the circle of life? My circle is broken. You are not supposed to be 44 and childless!

This is my life, day in and day out. Where is my child, why me.

I've told my husband over and over he can leave me, because this is not the life he wanted, not what he signed up for. He's wanted children since we got married. His love for his niece is one of the things that attracted me to him. Oh the irony.

I'm broken, in so many ways. I'm broken hearted.

I wait. I just wait. That's all I do. It's no life for anyone.

I've tried to live a good life and contribute. What did I do to deserve this life? When is it gonna be my turn? Is it all about luck?

How do I turn the corner? how do I overcome what has happened to me?

I wake up and wonder where is my child.
I drive to work and wonder where is my child.
I work and wonder where is my child.
I drive home and wonder where is my child.
I take a shower and wonder where is my child.
I cook dinner and wonder where is my child.
I pay bills and wonder where is my child.
I brush my teeth and wonder where is my child.
I fall asleep wondering where is my child.

Who am I if not someone's mom. It's just not natural.

Sometimes I wonder how I will go on.

44 and without child

The natural progression of things is to get married and have kids. Usually one is in their 20s or 30s when this happens.

In doing so, one's focus turns from one's self to one's child or children.

I am 44, and still without child.

My focus should have turned from myself to my child many years ago. I'm not normal. I have nothing to focus on but my self and my husband and our marriage and the fact that we are without child. This is not normal at 44. I should have been focusing on my child for the past 10 years or so. I've gone way past the sell-by date. I've just figured this out. And it explains a lot of things about me. And it's forced me to wonder what will motherhood be like for me, should I ever be blessed with a child.

My grandma was this age when I was born.

How will we save for retirement when our child is going to college when we are 60-something. Will I EVER retire? And the longer this goes on, my life without child, the more I want to be a stay at home mom, but infertility treatment (that DIDN'T even work) will prevent that. We took out a second on the house to pay for non-insured, unsuccessful infertility treatment and will be paying for that for years to come. An additional car payment with nothing to show for it.

We still live like college students, because every extra penny has gone into TRYING to have a family. We've skipped years of holidays to try to have a family. I'm starting to realize all the things we've missed while waiting to have a family.

And what am I expecting - when I do have a child and a family. I do not expect it to be perfect and to be visited by the bluebird of happiness on a daily basis. I'm pretty sure our child won't be healthy, at this point, that just seems like too much to ask for. So I've been preparing myself for this child, the child that is not perfect, not that any are, maybe I should say the child that is not healthy? 10 fingers, 10 toes. What every pregnant mom dreams of. How come I feel like I'm not allowed to dream of that too?

Again, I feel like I'm being punished. But I have no idea what I did wrong. Lucinda Bassett would say this is "magical thinking." Usually people use magical thinking to think of good things happening to good people because they are good. But I just keep asking what I did wrong, where did I make the wrong turn. How did I get here, 44 and without child.

We started TTC when I was 34, 10 years ago. Never in a million years did I imagine I'd end up here, 44 and without child.

No one should end up 44 and without child.

I'm beyond ready for my focus to change from me to my child. And that worries me too. Will my child be a spoiled rotten brat?!?!? Oh I hope not. I just want to raise a good little person who will contribute to the greater good. That is what I have tried to do, all these years, I've tried to contribute to the greater good. So why this punishment. Why why why.

Why why why, 44 and without child.

5 or 10

I feel like we've been waiting F O R E V E R to adopt. I count from the day we decided to adopt last July.

Our social worker says we can only count from the date our home study was finalized because prior to that we were not eligible to adopt. phooey!

Not to mention the 8 plus years before that when we were TTC.

It just has been F O R E V E R and I'm SO ready to be a mom. WHERE IS MY CHILD?!?!?

(some days I just GOTTA let it out...)